Sh*t Single Women Say to Married Women

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A while back I read this awesomely frank and very entertaining article by writer Janelle Harris called 10 Annoying Things Single Women Hate to Hear on ESSENCE.com (full disclosure: I work there) and it tickled me just how spot on her list was. I haven’t been a single woman in eight years, but as I read along, I laughed, remembering just how much I cringed to hear some of that “advice” back during my single lady days.

I was reminded of the article the other day when a single girlfriend of mine said something to me I’ve grown very tired of being told. Between her, the article, and those uber popular “Sh*t [fill in the blank] Say” videos that everyone’s watching this month, I started listing all the things married women hate to hear. This is my list. Ladies, hit that “like” button and share it if you can relate.

5. “It’s not a couple thing is it?” – Why is that singles must always assume that any time a married couple invites them out it’s going to be a PDA fest? Or that every sentence we’ll speak will begin with “when you’re married”? Maybe we just want to enjoy your company, have a good laugh, and do what everyone else does when they’re at a social gathering — have fun. Without fail, the minute a married person extends an invitation to a single friend, especially one to an event at their home, this question always follows. No, it’s not a couple thing. It’s a friendship thing. Married people don’t have to be slobbing each other down or referencing their union to have a good time. Get on board, or get over it.

4. “Doesn’t your husband have any single friends like him?” Yikes! Talk about putting the pressure on. Its not that we married folk aren’t usually down for playing cupid, it’s just that it’s a little more complicated than it sounds. Guilt usually follows this question. If your husband doesn’t have any like minded single friends, you find yourself searching through the remaining selection desperately trying to forget why you ruled them out in the first place. Then, if and when you do attempt a hook up, your anxiety levels are high during their first date (which you will of course be forced to chaperone) as you watch between fingers and hope things don’t crash and burn before your eyes – for if they do, it will, of course, somehow be your fault.

3. “Ask your husband what he thinks!” Usually this one is inserted in the middle of a friend’s rant about the wrongdoings or bad behavior of their significant other. This is when your husband becomes Deepak Chopra. This is when things get messy. If you ask him to weigh in, he becomes instantly annoyed at that little space between a rock and hard spot you just put him in. If he comments in your friend’s favor, he’s a traitor to all men, and if he takes her guy’s side, your friend puts him in the jerk category and then you’re forced to defend him, and things start to really get weird between you and her. See where this is going? Danger up ahead!

2. “We didn’t think you’d want to come since you’re married and all.” Again, I say, married women like to let loose too – hell, we probably need the drink more than some single ladies do, most days. Whenever a married woman finds out her girlfriends had a great night out and conveniently left her off the pre-party planning email, this is the excuse we always hear. Listen up single gal pals, it’s a lame one that you can bet is rarely valid. It’s almost as bad as saying “we didn’t think you’d want to go out and have fun because you’re a mom now.” Shame on you!

1. “You haven’t been single in so long, you wouldn’t understand.” We’re married, not suffering from amnesia, people! You think that a married woman has no memories of heartbreak or bad dates? Oh, please. We’re wearing a wedding band, not a desensitized emotion chip. If we mean enough to you for you to unload your problems on us, at least respect us enough to let us say our piece without insult.

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26 Responses to Sh*t Single Women Say to Married Women

  1. Miss Solomon says:

    I think it's hilariouus how my married friends have dwindled over the years. It's not necessairly having to determine whats couple appropriate, or the frustration that every man thinks his single friend should date his wife's single friend it's just lifetstyle wise, our worlds have become so different. great article

  2. @Only1DivaC says:

    Timely post since my BFF is getting married in April. I'm good on everything, except for # 2. I'm definitely trying to make an effort to include her on all the get-togethers but I do realize that she is at a different place in her life right now so I try to respect the relationship. I just make sure I tell her well ahead of time when I want to go out so she can talk to her fiance.

  3. Attorney2be says:

    I believe people ask is it a couple things for a few reasons. If its a couple thing then they can bring a date if they choose. Also it can be uncomfortable if there are 20 people and they consist of 10 couples. As for the setting up with husbands friends I don’t like those questions. I don’t want to be in the middle of a relationship which is why I don’t set up at all.

  4. For the most part, none of these apply to us thankfully. On occasion though number 3 will actually surface but it's usually because whatever I'm doing also involves my husband.

    In general, I just don't let the fact I am married define who I am and what I do. Oddly enough, the fact I am married is usually not on my radar when I'm out and about. I might say, "My husband…" at some point but it's not a big deal to me. Maybe I'm the odd one. LOL
    My recent post Opposition to SOPA and PIPA

  5. Tiffany In Houston says:

    LOL!

    I used to ask number 5 ALL THE TIME when I was a single chick, so I can definitely relate to this one.

    And as for number 2, I'm suffering from this right now. I'm married not dead! And I might not be able to hang out all them time, but I can sometimes and it stings a bit to not be included. This is part of the reason I've started doing more things with couples unfortuntately!
    My recent post Weekend in Review by Beautifully Complex

  6. ModernWife says:

    GREAT list! I've never had anyone tell me to ask what my husband thinks… But I've only been married 5 months so we'll see!

  7. I have heard this all…….smh
    IF they only knew we want to go out and have fun more than they probably do. LOL
    My recent post The LAUGHS of Motherhood

  8. Amber says:

    Absolutely and amen on this one!!!! Great post! I like to say, "I'm married, not dead." LOL
    My recent post My Dad has Prostate Cancer, So Why am I Smiling?

  9. inpursuitofhappythings says:

    hahah! Love this. I've heard them all… far too many times!

  10. chicbusymom says:

    Spot on my friend…spot on!
    My recent post Mama is 30Great: My Cinderella Story

  11. kita says:

    Lol number 2 always comes up and no my hubs does not have any single friends.
    My recent post The monthly curse

  12. Krys Talley says:

    Charli, if you didn't hit the nail on the head with this one!!! Whoa, those are exactly some of the foolish things you hear them say….smh! Thanks for posting.
    My recent post Michelle Obama: She's 48, Fierce, and Fabulous!!!

  13. been there. heard just about all of these at one point or another! this post is spot on.
    My recent post I’m Two!

  14. daisy1998 says:

    I never ask my friends single or married to hook me up maybe that's why I am still single…well on 2nd thought maybe not lol

  15. Mrs. Rocque says:

    OMG! I'm not even a week into my marriage and numbers 4 and 2 are the story of my life already! It's like, my girls either want me to hook them up with my hubby's friends (who are all pretty much taken), or they just assume that I don't want to hang out anymore. Sigh…

  16. Cardiva says:

    Sorry I've been single for a while and have never said ANY of those things. I've been told on few occasions that people were having 'couples' parties and I needed to find a date if I wanted to go. Most of my friends are married and include me most of the time in things. In a larger circle and professional circles I know I'm excluded from many things for being single. Don't get me wrong I'm comfortable going alone to things but it seems to make others uncomfortable. I've even had married women (not friends thank God) say things I'd hate to be in your position with all of the STD's out there. Really?? Single doesn't mean slut Sister. And your husband could quite possibly be screwing around on you. Don't get me wrong, not a married person hater but this article is so way off base for the majority of single people.

  17. SML says:

    It’s “traitor” not “trader”

  18. @walkwithme says:

    I haven't actually experienced any of these, thankfully. I mainly have married friends now (cause most hooked up) and the few single friends I have left have never said these things. When I hang out with my single friends, hubby stays home with the kids so I can get a break.

  19. Morgan says:

    Well, the things married or coupled up folks say to us singles is worse…" you wouldn't understand..you're single." Well THANKS a LOT…or " oh we're going to leave early…(male counterparts name / female counter parts name) is exhausted..why can't YOU stay? I would drop you off ! They can take the car home and sleep! LOL

  20. Amy says:

    Wow. This just shows how off-base married people really are. Sorry, but it appears you have suffered from amensia. I've been the single person in a room full of couples. The ONLY single person. Do you think that's fun?! Additionally, when I went through a divorce NONE of my married friends understood it. They haven't been there. A break-up isn't the same thing. To suggest that it is would be to diminish the struggles of a divorce. I'm truly amazed at off-base you are and how smug this post is. This is obviously not a blog for me.

    • ManWifeDog says:

      Hi Amy. Thanks for reading and leaving a comment. I totally agree that married woman can be FAR worse. That's why I posted that link to the great post about that. We're terribly rude at time, and often insensitive. As I mention here, I'm just sharing the things that annoy us too — they also exist. This post was not to disregard married women's often insensitive behavior, it was meant to highlight that some single women are guilty of being rude and insensitive too. As a married woman, i find most posts about us "mean married women" to be smug and off base, so I can see why you'd feel that way. That said, both sides of the story deserve to be told and a lot of married people have thanked me for this one. Guess it's just one of those topics, huh?

  21. hey says:

    divorce?" till death do us part," right? aren't those the vows you promised to? unless he was beating you or your children I wouldn't understand either,

  22. Carol says:

    Wow…….this article made me tear up a bit. I am single (never married) and I am 55 years old. I have been in several long term relationships, so I guess you could say I've kind of been on both sides. Being single is tough on some of us and I used to be so happy for my friends when they found the "right" one. I've been invited to countless functions where I was the only single person there. All the couples friends will go out to dinner with all their married friends and they have the nerve to talk about it in front of you. I agree with Amy and Morgan. I' ve experienced is the married females will say stuff like "maybe you can come over and visit when Tommy's not home. I took that to mean, I am not suitable to visit when Tommy is home….that really hurts.

    • ManWifeDog says:

      The purpose of this post was to bring the light the fact that occasionally single women can be equally as insensitive as we married women can often be. Of course, married women can say and do some hurtful things to their single friends, both intentionally and unintentionally, but we all know about that and it's talked about often. My goal was to highlight that single women aren't always the victims of such remarks. It's all truth and both sides deserve a chance to be discussed. Thanks for stopping by, and I'm sorry your married friends have hurt you in the past. I go out of my way to ensure I don't inflict that type of pain on others. It's certainly something to be aware of always.

  23. Megan says:

    A thought on #2 (and this is just my perspective):

    For a long time after they got married and had kids, I continued to ask my friends out to dinner, movies, dog walks, and other events. After hearing endless "no, no, no," I finally just stopped asking. I felt like I was constantly chasing them down trying to force them to be friends with me. It gets old and depressing. Now I don't invite them not because I don't like them anymore, but because it makes me feel bad to constantly have them refuse.

  24. Dee says:

    Interesting post, I am contently single and I never said most of those things. I have asked if it is a couples thing, because I have been the only person around couples who seem to be unable to keep their hands off each other, it is very uncomfortable for me and I don't enjoy it.

    The married/coupled friends that I enjoy the most are the ones that sometimes bring their spouse/partner, but not always, I am their friend but often I am not their spouses friend and while they can say anything and everything around their spouse, I don't feel comfortable sharing private things with them around. So the conversation ends up being one sided.

    I do understand Megan's post, as for the reasons stated above, there are some coupled/married friends that I don't really want to go out with because they ALWAYS bring their spouse/partner. Now LOL, I have not always been single and when I was dating I would not bring my partner unless we were two couples, or he knew my friends just as well as I did. I had my friends, my partner had his, and we had some in common.

    I think the problem is one of communication and assumptions, I don't particularly want to spend the whole night talking about children, husbands, weddings and so on because it does not interest me, and I know that my friends want to talk about these things because that is what is going on in their lives at the moment. While I don't mind compromising and talking about those things… sometimes, I will loose my mind if that is all we ever talk about. But I always seem to be the one compromising…

    So yes Megan, after a while I don't respond to requests from those married/partnered friends who do this all the time (or who have jealous spouses/partners), nor the ones that seem to assume that I can't possibly be happy single and smugly note how lucky they are that they have a husband/partner every five seconds during the conversation.

    I will give you an example, I have a friend who moved here when I did, she was partnered, but her partner was not around at first, we became friends. Then her partner came and at first I tried to hang around with them, but I noticed that he came 'every' time. It was uncomfortable for me as we never really hit it off, so I often felt like a third wheel (not always the case if I hit if off with the partner). We had another friend who was single at the time, and it was tolerable to go out with them because I had someone to talk to, then he found a girlfriend. Oddly the two couples don't do much together, but she keeps wanting me to go out with the four of them. I did do one dinner with them and another couple that we both know, it was torture, so I told her I don't want to go out with two couples and I explained why.

    She keeps suggesting that we do, and naturally I keep saying I won't. That and the fact that she keeps implying that I must be gay or I would be dating by now… but that is another story LMAO.

    I can see where these comments would be annoying, but you have a partner that can back you up and support you when these comments are made.

    The one thing I do hear, which I did not realize is that some married friends really miss going out with their single friends and that they would like to do it more often. I hear that and it is the reason I am going out tonight to the movies with that same friend and her (now) husband. She basically said the same thing, that she misses going out and we talked about it and promised to go see a movie together.

    Now lets just hope they can keep their hands off each other, and that she does make innuendos suggesting I must be gay… ;p

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