An Open Letter to Homewreckers (Ladies You Know Who You Are)

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It’s not often that I call people out for their wrongdoings on this blog, but these feelings have been simmering for some time and I need to release them. (Hey, I’m a writer, that’s what I do.)

I’ve had the misfortune of seeing a few marriages go down in flames lately because the men involved were weak, and the jealous and equally selfish women in their lives preyed on their insecurities. There are a lot of reasons a marriage can, and often should, come to an end, but cheating, in my book, just should not be one of them. It’s avoidable!

It hurts my heart to hear my husband speak about women he encountered who saw his wedding band and proceeded to solicit him still, or those who ask him how his wife is on Monday then tell him they’d like to be “a little more than friends” on Tuesday. Seriously? These women lose all my respect, and for them, I have a few choice words. They are below.

(Disclaimer: This letter (only) goes out to all the women out there who find it acceptable to flirt with and/or pursue another woman’s husband, and especially to those who’ve acted on such flirtations in a way that would unanimously be considered cheating by said man’s wife and family. If you don’t fit the bill, you shouldn’t take this letter personally — it’s not for you. Also, I’m fully aware that women cheat too, and men can be the first to initiate affairs, but I’m not talking about either group right now, okay? One post at a time. Cool, now let’s do this.)

Dear Homewreckers,

Why don’t you respect yourselves enough to respect my marriage or my family? I get it, you want a man of your own, and you crave love in your life. That’s fine. What isn’t fine, however, is that you seek this love in a man that’s already found it with someone else. If I can respect that you need love and have the right to pursue it with single men, why won’t you respect that I’ve found what you’re after and it means the world to me?  

It’s no secret that marriage is work. This means the woman who is devoted to the man wearing the wedding band whom you’re so eagerly enticing has been working very hard on the job and your actions could result in her losing all that she’s worked to obtain. What’s that? It takes two? Of course it does; and I say shame on the men who fall into your trap too. A man who loves and cherishes his wife for all the right reasons should see that no good will come from engaging in an indiscretion with you.

You say you’re in search of “real love” and a “good man”, but what on earth makes you think that a man who would step out on his own family to play pretend with you is actually worth your time?  And exactly how do you expect to sleep at night once he’s “yours”? Self love is the key that opens the door to so many wonderful things in life.  Working over time to open a door that’s not for you to walk through will almost ensure that there’s no prize behind it, but rather unimaginable heartache and pain.

You say there’s a shortage of good men in this world. Is that so? Well, if that’s true, how is the solution to that possibly forever tainting one of the few who still remain? Seems like desperate and reckless behavior to me. Are those the kinds of values you want to build a relationship on? You shouldn’t.

I know a lot of you tell yourselves that if he chooses to be with you then he must have made “the better choice”, but I just don’t see it that way. I see a man who chose the easy route and a woman with values as poor as his own; a man who will most likely one day leave you too. (You’re fooling yourself if you think he won’t.) That’s no man I’d want to choose; so why do you?

Oh wait, is it because you “can love him better”? Or because you “do all the things she just won’t”, right? It may be time to ask yourself if all the “things” you do that he likes so much are those becoming of a real woman or lady?

You see him doing right by the woman he cherishes and you tell yourself those are the qualities that make up the kind of man you’ve always wanted to have for yourself. Yet, you don’t count disloyalty as a negative? Where’s the logic there?

Look, I want you to be happy too, I do. But I’m here to tell you that you won’t find any joy in ruining another woman’s marriage. Before you walk over to that married man you’ve had your eye on for weeks (or months, or years) and say something you know you’ll regret, I beg you, think again.

Here are some thoughts I recommend you ponder in that moment: Why do you want to be his “friend” if he’s married, happily or not? Will you be able to live with yourself when you see another woman’s life fall apart because you selfishly tried to improve your own at her expense? Do you think you can build a happy home right on top of a broken one? Why don’t you love yourself enough to recognize that you deserve a healthy, happy, relationships untarnished by grief and guilt from day one? We hear often that we should treat others as we hope to be treated. This applies to how you meet your man ladies. Steal him once, and he’ll be stolen again. When that happens, you’ll want to write your own angry letter, I promise you.

Oh, and one last thing. For those of you who feel you have a “true connection” with a married man and he feels the same for you – wait! If he’s the right man and he’s truly unhappy in his marriage, he’ll end things properly, on his terms, and without your interference. Then he’ll cool his heels until it’s once again the right time to pursue new love with you. That’s how it should go. Encouraging or asking him to choose your happiness over his family’s pain is foolish, and he’s an even bigger fool if he takes you up on it. Love is patient, love is kind…think it through!

Okay, I’m done…back to your regularly scheduled programming, I swear!

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35 Responses to An Open Letter to Homewreckers (Ladies You Know Who You Are)

  1. Attorney2be says:

    Unfortunately I’ve been on both sides. While I won’t say I pursued I didn’t back away either. But that was when I was young and dumb. Nothing good comes out of it. I can tell you stories. I’m much wiser and when it happened to me, I was devastated. I really knew how she felt. Don’t do it. Let God bless you with your own. I sometimes wonder if my punishment was it happening to me?

  2. Cindee says:

    Bravo as a happily married women for 36 years to my high school sweet heart. totally agree respect the ring my husbands case tattoo band . He can’t wear a band in his work for fear of death IE shock losing his finger. So bravo to him to make his statement in ink. I love him and trust him so watch out women who prey on him he is mine. Enough said ! Great post glad we meet in commenthour

  3. justmewith says:

    Whoa. What I like best about this post is that you were clear about narrowing the focus. Your disclaimer is perfect. You are talking about women who pursue married men in a way that would result in what the wife would consider cheating. So perfectly identified. And I also love the fact that you were clear that the topic of this post is the women who pursue married men. It is refreshing that you don't try to be so all inclusive in a single post. Genders are equal intellectually, but some experiences and social considerations are just different. It is okay to discuss them separately. Bravo. Really. So refreshing. It doesn't negate the existence of the gender opposite issue when only one scenario is discussed at a time. It just makes the discussion more directed, focused and relevant. Bravo.
    My recent post The Annual Holiday Party — Met Expectations

  4. justmewith says:

    Damn, I got so caught up I didn't even pay attention to your gender. So I say to you, the Wife, "Brava."
    My recent post The Annual Holiday Party — Met Expectations

  5. Johnna says:

    I love it!!! Tactful and Respectful in everyway!! Great post!!!!!!

  6. Krys Talley says:

    Whoa! I really loved this blog article. You gave it to em straight. I am on your boat helping you sail this ship. I too, don’t agree with women who openly flirt with married men KNOWING that they are unavailable. Yes, it does take two to tango, but it only takes one to initiate the dance!!! SO, very well written and I hope some homewreckers see this and weep. Praying for all the ladies out there (including myself) who have to endure insecure, selfish, trifling women who can’t abstain from wrecking other people’s lives. Thanks for that Wife! :)

    • hoe hater says:

      i knew this girl nicole silver she was friends with my boy friend for years they never did anything but once he started to date me that change she would call our house everyday saying untrue things about me and telling my bf what she wanted to do to him .he ended up not doing anything and told me the truth and we never talked to her again but since this shes trashed me when she tryed to be the home wrecker, mine u she was in a relation ship to with 3 kids she ended up losing i guess she was a perostatute for 20 dollars can get u anything with that slut so nicole silver i hope u see this u dirty slut .ive always been a nice person when when u mess with my family u went to far slut

      • hoe hater says:

        i know i shouldnt of used the sluts name but she had know reason to trash my name around just because my husband wouldnt fall for her .mind u this happend like 2 years ago she still tryed to send him naked pictures online but lucky he got me to check out his email .i asked myself why now when befor me was single for years and she could of made a move then .but i guess thats what makes a home wrecker they dont care about anyone but them self they get joy out of trying to split up familys even though she had her own family well not now . I ended up finding out after she couldnt get my man she ended up spliting up a family with 2 kids that lived acrossed the road from her its sad that there r people out there like this

  7. Miss Solomon says:

    While I understand your letter and feel for married women who have their men systematically targeted and their marriages ruined I have to disagree to some degree with your letter. Let's not blame food for making us fat. We know there are temptations in the world and doing the wrong thing is typically easy but you can't blame a ducking for quacking. Homewreckers wreck homes, that's what they do. Wives and husbands have to safe guard their marriage against such evils. You can't blame the temptation. Blame your strong desire or your weak will. As woman who has dated but never pursued married men I found that their marital issues had nothing to do with me. And had it not been me, it would have been some other woman. Men who cheat will find a willing participant regardless. Like I said, I appreciate the message but a woman who seeks married men can't wreck a marriage by herself. A letter to wives on how to prepare their marriage for homewreckers might be as if not more effective.

    • ManWifeDog says:

      I totally agree with all that you're saying. I don't think I've left the men out here, or pointed the blame just on them. I make quite a few references to the men involved in these affairs and my thoughts on their behavior as well. However, this letter was very pointed and I made that clear in my disclaimer. It's not always good to speak in a general manner when the matter is so sensitive. I did my best to tackle a specific issue, versus, trying to cover the many, many layers with an adulterous relationship discussion. I speak so much about safeguarding, protecting, and preparing your marriage here that I felt it was necessary, and okay, to change the pace here. I hope you'll come back and read again. I think you'll find I try my best to speak as fairly as possible. Thanks for the comment love!

    • HeartLikeFire says:

      This is in response to Miss Solomon. I believe a lot of this comes down to self respect. I don't wear other people's underwear. I don't drink after other people. So why the hell would I be okay sleeping with or dating a man that has already committed himself before man and God to another woman, and dare to say that behavior is okay? This is why I can't condone Miss Solomon's response. You may not wreck the marriage by yourself, but you sure don't help. It's like saying Joey pulled the trigger first, but then I shot 4 more bullets into Gary. Guess what? You still helped kill the person, even if you believed they were already dead.

      You also said that you were "a woman who has dated but never pursued married men," but the question is, why would you even date them, knowing they were with someone else? See, I don't date married men, and I won't. And believe it or not, it's not just about them. It's also about me. I think too many of us are willing to play second fiddle to someone else. I wish a married man thought it was okay to date me, to place me below his wife. I'm too good to be second to anyone, but God. You don't get to put a ring on someone else's finger but then call me for sex and conversation. And don't give me the "he gives me money," because there are plenty of divorced, and/or older, and/or single men willing to give you just as much money, sex and conversation as any married man. And I think if a lot of women thought like this (and men, cuz they love married women too), this world would be a better place. I wish a man would call me to complain about his wife not giving him sex, about her being annoying, and about how much pain he is in. Guess what? You chose to wife her, now choose to deal with it. I don't have time to listen to your crap, get out of my life. And frankly, I don't really care. It's your problem not mine.

      But I also need to write to the author of this article. I feel like these articles are futile. Guess what? Some women don't care that a man is married, and I believe all you did was fuel their fire for why they go out with men who already are tied to someone else. Sadly, there are a lot of women out here who will watch a man disrespect his wife/girlfriend, laugh at it, and then be dumb enough to get with that sorry ass fool, believing it will be something different. But it won't. It's kind of ridiculous. Sadly though, for a lot of people, someone isn't even appealing to them until they are with someone else. Some of those women that go after your husband wouldn't even give him a second look if he weren't wearing that ring. Shameful but true.

  8. Yes, yes, yes….tell them! The letter get straight to the point. I love it. I once knew a true home wrecker. Her job was to wreck shop on a marriage or relationship. As soon as the did the damage, she would happily move on to the next couple knowing she had no intentions of having a relationship with the man. Pure evil I tell you.
    My recent post Imagine That

  9. Elaine says:

    It takes two to tango. A person can not wreck a home that is on a solid foundation. All anger should be directed toward the person who betrayed their vows, not the 3rd party.

    • ManWifeDog says:

      If "it takes two" then shouldn't you divide your anger between them, as I'm suggesting?

    • Thewife says:

      As a married women I would be furious if my husband cheated on me. As far as I’m concerned a women who knowingly approaches a married man is a whore. Due to family issues he had growing up my husband agrees. I love my husband and our family, I would lie, cheat, steal and kill for them. We did make those vows to each other your right, that means I only owe my forgiveness and understanding to him. If he went astray with some used up whore, considering the depths of my passion and commitment as long as he was truly sorry (he would be punished and have to deal with all the nastiness it would bring out) I would forgive him. Marriage is a commitment I don’t take lightly. I love my husband, my love for him is an all consuming passion nothing some common (all whores are common) whore could match I promise you. Our family is my LIFE. And my LIFE will be defended so I say this; He married ME he picked ME…If YOU can’t help yourself and try to take MY life from ME at all in anyway (like fucking my man). YOU should know some of us still believe in an eye for an eye, not turning the other cheek. Do anything that threatens MY LIFE you could pay with yours. Just saying; something for you to consider while your telling yourself he’s the one that’s wrong you don’t owe his wife anything. She doesn’t owe you either and you just threatened her life.

  10. {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After says:

    Well written, Charli! The first line says it all: if you won't respect his wedding band or the boundaries it should set between the two of you, at least respect yourself enough to respect the fact that we're married and our family matters.

  11. majo says:

    snapping my fingers and slow clapping for you right now. you were PERFECT in what you wrote.

  12. Keli says:

    The crazy thing is, I have encountered women who prefer married men because in their minds… if he takes care of his wife, then he's in a position to take care of me. Truly flawed logic. Contrary to what "homewreckers" would have you believe, they are insecure and have little to no self worth. Otherwise, they would not look for comfort and validation in the arms of another woman's husband.

  13. Alexis says:

    I’m late but you know I love a classy tell off! Lol it is a shame that a marriage/relationship is only respected by the two people who actually took the vows and decided to make the commitment.

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  15. coco says:

    I wish there was a site to display these homewreckers for all to see. I lost my ex to my best friend.
    His comment was that "she was his best friend". After I caught them, I blamed them both equally. Since they were both married at the time. Even though she has told others that he pursued her, I found out he wasn't the only married man she had gone after. I think this shows she has a screw loose.
    oh well, better things are ahead for all of us… what goes around, comes around…

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  17. guest says:

    I soooo wish i could print this off and send it to the "homewrecker" in my life. My husband of 11 yrs left me 5 months ago w/4 kids and one in the "oven" for some stupid girl he met in a bar. Just talking to her, LOOKING at her, you can tell she's one the hunt to find some man to "save" her from all the troubles in her life, and find a new daddy for the one kid she DOES have custody of (cuz she walked out on the second guy and left him with a 1 and 3 yr old.) I look at the pictures of them and i know him too well- the expression on his face is so fake, and she just looks like a desperate idiot. And just for the record, I was a damn good wife, and we have 4.5 kids he definitely was "getting it" at home lol. Just decided it was too hard and we were too much work for him, and its easier to be with a woman with no responsibilties. Well we are doing just fine on our own and good riddance those two losers can have each other!

  18. hoe hater says:

    i find its sad to hear of women doing thi
    s to other women we should respect each other there losts of single men out there so why look for the ones that r taken i just dont understand it

  19. Deena says:

    The woman that pursued my husband of 7 years was my friend! When I confronted her about her calling and texting him before they were actually in a sexual relationship she said they were just friends and to not be threatened by her. It happened just like I said it would, she first changed her number, then she was blocking her phone number and most recently she called from a pay phone. She went as far as signing up to be a volunteer at his place if employment. She knew a lot about us because she was a friend, and to this day I believe she was jealous of the life him and I had until then. He was loving, attentive, we have a beautiful home, we went on great vacations. She liked all of that because she is a stay at home mom with a boring yet nice man. I don’t blame all of it on her, because my husband had the bigger hand on this, he didn’t protect our marriage or remember the vows he took when he married him, what I am astounded by is the relentless pursuit that engaged on….. She actually spent her husband’s hard earned money on paying for hotels and gifts for my husband! What a poor excuse of a woman, what low morals and examples for her daughters. I was never taught to hate anyone, but I do hate her…. My husband and her have forever changed my life…… :-(

  20. Skigirl says:

    Hi – Thank you for writing this. However – I respectfully disagree with it. Many women blame "the other woman / man" but they won't look at what they did to contribute to this problem in the marriage. I have been on both sides. But let's look at the facts.

    If you do any reading on this topic (both from men and women) – Men are from Mars / Women are from Venus (John Grey) or Light His Fire (ellen kreidman) what you will notice is there is a lot of psychology behind having a good relationship. Marriage LTR – what ever. A good man of character won't leave a relationship where he is getting his needs met and actively working on. A good man will leave though if he is fed up with trying. In this case something had long since gone in a relationship that caused this man to justify his leaving you for someone else. A lot of women get married and stop trying, they get extremely lazy in their relationship. They stop being intimate and loving, and start acting the role of a nagging wife, a man will feel trapped in the arrangement of marriage.

    If this is not you, and not the case then what is? While it may hurt, at the end of the day you should actually THANK (yes I said THANK) the home wrecker for getting a weak, player or serious lack of character man out of your house.

    And as the wife if you find yourself fighting to keep that kind of man – what does that say about YOU and YOUR self esteem? You are more embarrassed and your ego actually is hurting because you feel you failed at something. Marriage. It does take two to make it fail and to make it work.

    At the end of the day no home can be be wrecked by a woman or a man that has a strong basis for a foundation of love and is actively being worked on (where both people have good character. Most wives (as husbands) are to blame for not working at their marriage and understanding what makes it tick/not tick.

    Sex and ego are always a main driver for a man. Men are very different from women in how they think and function too. What a woman thinks and wants is usually completely off base from what a man is actually needing from you to keep him in Love and Happy. People give what they wish to receive and don't actively try and understand what it is the other person needs.

    A good home wrecker knows this (I am not talking about the weak average minded floozy…I am talking about an educated, woman who can hold her own, who targets your unhappy man and actively employs psychology to steal him from you because he meets her needs and she perceives value in him. Lord help you if you are up against this kind of woman, you got lazy in your marriage and you do not seek help to fight back.

    This is a very smart woman who will actually take your man from you, convince him to divorce you and leave you and end up hers (married or otherwise) until she realizes that she doesn't trust him or he is too weak for her then she will get rid of him. Its a sad story. However when 60% of marriages end in divorce and most people are marrying later in life guess what? That is where most women who are not married are going to end up looking. Many times it is two people both in committed relationships to others, just waiting for the excuse to leave. When they find that other person they do leave. At this point it is too late. That person was long gone from the relationship.

    This is not the dark ages – people do not have to stay in bad committed relationships that are not working out for years on end and tolerate being miserable. Divorce, while never pleasant, is easy by most means. yes it can wreck people financially (actually the lawyers do that) but from a sanity perspective many do it. Many people get stuck and are just "existing" in a bad relationship (marriage or otherwise) – Men also won't go to get help unless you are threatening the end of the relationship – and if they do – More than likely they will blame YOU for not giving them what they needed. To some degree it does work both ways. The only thing however you can change is yourself.

    Ladies – figure out how to "BE" in a relationship. Then try and fix the relationship if you think its worth it. Be warned its not easy. You have to be willing to take a deep look at yourself and resentment sets in hard after you know your man had hot steaming sex with another woman that was not you and the ability to forgive that is hard. It will also just prolong the inevitable. You did not deserve that, you will want to even the score and punish him. That kind of poison is not good for a relationship.

    Let it go and move on. If what you said is so true that there are good men out there (cough), uhm then why not get a divorce, move on and find someone who does want a relationship to work out long term with out cheating?

  21. Laura says:

    I chose to spend a few nights of sex with a married man, yes I knew he was married but hey, hecwas cheating so what did I care? I found myself manipulating him. It was so easy. He became my lapdog until his dumb wife found out. I know better now. She researched me as much as I researched him before meeting him in a Chattanooga hotel. I regret it though. @laogles don’t do anything you don’t want others to know about.

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  24. just his mrs says:

    Kudos, from an angry homewrecker blog writer (me) these women have no morals and no self respect.

  25. Alexi says:

    I do not believe in marriage and monogamy – it is not in the nature of humans. See, humans are mammals, how many other species do you know that are monogamous? If people lived naturally and saintly wives did not want to own men exclusively, there would be much more happy persons on this planet.

  26. Patricia says:

    Men can be homewreckers too. Women aren't the only homewreckers on earth. Married men are the worst homewreckers. They will find a married women and pursue her relentlessly. Let's not blame it all on the women. It takes two to tango and you can't take a man or women that doesn't want to taken away from their marriage. Because of womens liberation more married women have affairs too now. Adultery has horrendous consequences on a marriage. No one considers all the consequences of having an affair when they're dancing in the sheets with the other man or other woman. After the affair is over the participants in the affair and their partners are angry, depressed, feeling guility, etc. It takes a lot of work to get over an affair and they're not worth it.

  27. Soo says:

    Don't spend time analyzing or worrying about "the other woman" 100% of your energy needs to remain with your marriage, yourself, and your husband. If your husband does cheat, there's still no point at all in directing any attention at the third party. It should all still be focused on your husband, yourself and your marriage. If you do, you are wasting your energy.

    The other woman doesn't care about you or your marriage. She cares about herself, her own needs and her boyfriend, i.e., your husband. Just like you care about yourself, your own needs and your husband. You don't have feelings for her and vice versa. You two are strangers. Nobody else cares about your marriage. (besides the obviously people, like your mother and your children).

    She isn't a slut and she isn't less than you are. She is a person just like you. Don't be condescending.
    Just focus 100% on what caused your husband to need another woman. And believe me, he needed and wanted her very much and may still need and want her even if he stops seeing her. He may even love her. Just know that. She is important to him. In different ways than you are important to him.

  28. Soo says:

    The one wrecking the home is the one doing the cheating. The other woman isn't cheating. She isn't married to you. But your husband is. He broke the vow he took with YOU. Not HER. She didn't marry you. He did. Your husband married YOU and agreed to be faithful and protect your home. HE is the homewrecker.

    Stop wasting energy on the husband's lover. You won't "teach her a lesson", you won't erase what happened, you won't feel better about yourself. Just forget about her. Her only concern is your husband. That should be your only concern too. If she turns out to be a crazed loon who stalks your husband once the jig is up and your husband doesn't want to see her anymore, that's a story for a private detective or the cops. You have a crazy on your hands. I'm talking about the non-crazy 'other women.' She doesn't give a rip about you. Stop giving a rip about her. It's dumb.

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