How to Fight Fair

fighting fair imageIt’s inevitable that two people in love will argue, especially those who are married and/or living together. The fighting is an unavoidable truth that comes with being in a relationship, but the toil said fighting can take on yours is 100 percent up to you. People often say to the Man and I, “It’s like you two never argue!” Oh, we do! We just do so in a way that doesn’t often leave a residual effect on our marriage, and certainly not one an outsider can see. We call it fighting fair. There will be so many moments in life where you have to take the gloves off, so why would we ever want to do that within our marriage? We just don’t think that’s healthy. So, we have some unspoken rules around here that help us keep the drama to a minimum and the fights contained at a level we both can handle. The other day we decided to write a few of them down to share, and we call it our little guide to fighting fair. Wanna see it? Here it goes!

How to Fight Fair

DO speak with love. Starting a sentence off with words phrases like, “I’ve had it with your sh*t because” or “Why do I always have to repeat myself?” generally isn’t a good way to remind the other person that although you’re angry, you still love them. In place of those try: “I love you, but I’m going a little crazy so I need to say this” or “I know we’ve been over this before, but I feel some things are still unresolved.” Have I wanted to call my husband and idiot or a bum mid-argument before? Of course! But that would hurt him and me too later on once the regret sets in. So I don’t. I choose to speak with love instead.

DON’T bring up something that’s bothering you when the other person is exhausted or otherwise emotionally spent. Do you want to talk about your “problems” after your boss ruined your day, or you’re running on 3 hours of sleep? No? So why would they want to? If it’s not going to destroy your relationship if you don’t say it right then, you can probably stand to keep quiet one more day.

DO pick a neutral fighting zone. I feel cornered when my husband confronts me in the bathroom while I’m doing my hair or putting on makeup (my little grooming space) and I’ve noticed he feels the same way when I approach while he’s cooking in our kitchen. You’ll be both be more open to the discussion and less defensive if you’re sitting together at the table, on the couch, or maybe even in bed; and when all those fail a walk together in the open air is always helpful to clear the air in your marriage.

DON’T interrupt their bliss. Bringing up your latest beef with your marriage while your husband’s working out or watching the playoffs is wrong for two reasons. 1) You clearly won’t have his full attention, and that’s always important when you’re trying to get to the bottom of something. 2) Everyone deserves a chance to do the little things in life that bring them joy. Interrupting those moments to bring up something that might make them feel anger or sadness is really kind of rude if you think about it. Would you want to be interrupted for a mini world war right smack in the middle of your me time? Right, didn’t think so. Continue reading

Posted in Married Life, The How-To Guide, Wifey Wisdom | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Problems Married People Have: Insurance Hopping

medical cards marriage couple insuranceIf you missed my Twitter announcement, you should know that I got a fab new job girls! (I’m going to be the new Relationship Editor for Essence.com as of Monday – woot, woot!) Although that’s exciting news, the little medical coverage dilemma that came about because of it isn’t so much fun.

I was unemployed most of 2010 (thanks recession!) and started the job I just left back in November when we got back from our honeymoon. I had to wait six months for the insurance to kick in on that job so up until April 1st I was freeloading off my husband’s plan. I was excited to get my own medical coverage again, only to discover that the joy would be short lived once I started my new gig. Now I have to go through a waiting period again for my new job and I just found out that my PCP isn’t covered in the coverage I finally earned at my last. Which means that although I’m not feeling the greatest lately (check up time) and the coverage from my last job doesn’t expire until month’s end, I still can’t go to the freakin’ doctor! My husband offered to put me back on his plan but by the time we go through the paper work again it will be almost time for me new insurance to kick in. Sigh…insurance hopping. Definitely a problem reserved for married couples and people with kids. Do you share insurance? Or are you an independent woman in that regard? Just curious! Continue reading

Posted in Married Life, Problems Married People Have | Tagged , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Fab Posts Friday: Mastering the Art of Hook Ups, Burning Movie Questions, A Kid Birthday Party Fail, and SO Much More!

Jumping the broom review kids mad science birthday party theme and article about black women being ugly
I read and adored these blog posts this week and I promise you will too! TGIF!

http://theyeyodiaries.wordpress.com/2011/05/19/i-liked-jumping-the-broom-but-i-still-have-some-questions/
If you saw the movie Jumping the Broom already you are going to laugh you’re a** off at The Ye Yo Diaries‘ burning questions recap I Liked Jumping the Broom But I Still Have Questions. Seriously, funny!

 http://theunemployedbride.wordpress.com/2011/05/17/the-art-of-the-hook-up/
In the The Art of the Hook Up on No Longer Unemployed, No Longer A Bride a wife breaks down what you should and should not do when you get a hook up from a friend who works somewhere you’re going.. So funny, and so on point! Read up on your hook up etiquette ladies, now.

 http://www.angryjuliemonday.com/2011/05/16/my-sons-mad-science-party-a-parent-fail/
In My Son’s Mad Science Party, A Parent Fail Angry Wife from Angry Julie Monday shares fabulous photos from her son Angry Kid ‘s rainbow themed mad-science birthday party and her guilt for taking three picks of him blowing out the candles; none of which he’s actually in. Mommy’s will enjoy this, promise!

 http://newmamaswagger.com/2011/05/17/hey-did-you-hear-im-ugly/
Did you see that controversial Psychology Today article explaining why black women are perceived as less attractive? Well I did, and it pissed me the hell off. Before I could write about it, I read Hey, Did You Hear I’m Ugly over on How Mama Got Her Swagger Back and I felt compelled to write no more. Her post shares my sentiments exactly and is written with such maturity and class. Well done! If you had a reaction to the article, don’t miss her take on things.

http://unclutterer.com/2011/05/20/workspace-of-the-week-purrrrfect-setup/
The Workspace of the Week on Unclutterer always inspires me to get my home and work office in order. You gotta check it out girls! Enough said.

Continue reading

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An Open Letter To The Guys Who Ask Why We Can Not Be Just Friends

bad pickup lines single guysDear Pushy Men On The Street I Wish I Hadn’t Encountered,

Let’s get right down to the obvious question here. Did you not see my wedding ring? Or is it just easier to pretend you didn’t as you walk up to me with some ultra lame line (like: Are you texting me? Cause my batteries dead right now.) when clearly I saw you eyeing me for like two minutes before you made your approach? No, I’m not mad that you’re interested (nice to know I’ve still got it, thank you!) but I am more than slightly annoyed by the fact that once you’ve clearly seen that I’m no longer on the market you find it necessary to discuss a “friendship” anyway. Exactly which kind of friends are we supposed to be? The kind that meet up for lunch? Nope, I have a long list of girlfriends I’ve been dying to dine with and with whom I’d much rather spend the time. The kind that send each other funny text videos or jokes and go back and forth on Twitter? Nope, again. Did I not mention I was married? I can barely get back to the people who text or Facebook message me now. The kind that talk about their love lives and share advice? Yeah well judging from the way you’re looking me up and down like I’m a filet mignon on a platter at your favorite restaurant, I doubt you really want to hear me talk about how much I love my husband all afternoon. So again I ask, exactly what kind of “friends” are you asking that we be?

Just in case you missed the memo when I blogged about creeps like you awhile back, let me break it down for you one good time. The diamond on my left hand ring finger is a badge of honor. It means I’ve had my fill of “friends” like you in my life and was blessed enough to find a man who wanted to be way more than that to me. It means that I felt the exact same way about him too so I said “yes” and promised in front of God and a whole bunch of other folks we know and love that I would love him and only him forever. It also means that there’s a 100 percent chance I’m not interested in throwing that all away for you. So, I ask you: When I let you get away with pretending you didn’t know I was married when you walked up to ask my name and then I politely pointed out that fact to you sans ‘tude, why didn’t you just hold on to some ounce of your fleeting pride and stop right there, wish me well, and keep on walking? Instead you proceeded to ask what I’m sure most married women would agree is the dumbest question of them all. “Can’t we be just friends?” Hell no, buddy! I found my prince, he had my glass shoe, and I’m still trying to figure out what on earth makes you think I’d risk losing all that to be “just friends” with you? Get it together please!

Thanks,

Wives Across the World

Posted in Married Life, Wife Gripes | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

VIDEO: The Best Wedding Proposal I Have Ever Seen (And That Is Really Saying Something!)

As many of you know, before starting this blog I was a Weddings Editor at TheKnot.com and WeddingChannel.com for years. So when I tell you I’ve seen it all, I mean I’ve seen everything from Nascar themed weddings to proposal farts. You name it, I saw a wedding or proposal just like it at least once — until now! Check out this (soon to be viral I’m sure) wedding proposal video posted yesterday. It needs no introduction. Grab your tissues girls! After I watched it I made my husband watch it and I literally said, “I loved every single moment of my proposal, babe, and this still makes me jealous – ha!” Just kidding, well, kinda. LOL! (Note: My favorite part is when she whispers “is there makeup under my eyes” when she realizes what’s happening. Had I seen it coming I would have done the same thing.)

How did your guy propose? And if he hasn’t yet, tell him this dude just raised the bar!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnVAE91E7kM&feature=channel_video_title[/youtube]

Special shout out to my girl BeBe (a beautiful bride-to-be) for sharing this one with me!

Posted in News and Notes, Viral Videos, Wedding Eye Candy | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Love Homework: Say What Is REALLY On Your Mind (No Stepford Wives Welcome Here!)

oops thought bubbleLast week we practiced a separate but equal love policy and worked on mastering the art of coexisting. (Big thanks to all the NBA widows who participated.) This week we’re going to keep it simple.

The Assignment

When you’re married it’s not always a good idea to say exactly what you’re thinking. In my experience thus far a big fight usually follows this sort of accidental slip up. Saying things like “Yes, you should spend a little more time in the gym these days” or “this meal could use a little more salt” usually doesn’t end well and can often cause way more harm than good, even when your intentions were good. But, this week I’d like you to throw what you know out the window and just try saying exactly what’s on your mind for once. Now speak with love and don’t be hurtful, just honest. What did you say? Why did you say it? Was it something you’ve really wanted to say? What was your spouse’s reaction? Did it spark drama or conversation? Are you glad you got it out?

Disclaimer: Obviously, I want you to proceed with caution on this one ladies and remember what I said: Speak with love and be honest not hurtful!

My Homework

We don’t always plan to blurt out what’s really on our minds, but in my case last week it just happened that way. One minute we were participating in our usual argument about whether or not we could afford to care for a second dog and before I knew what had happened, I’d somehow blurted out the following doozey of a sentence: “Maybe if you were better with managing your money you wouldn’t be so opposed to new expenses.” Wayment!! Did I really just say that out loud!!?!! To my husband!!?!! With ‘tude!?!! I thought for sure this was about to be the beginning of a battle royale between us but then the unexpected happened. He stopped talking and stared at me with his jaw dropped, eyes wide, and this strange shock-and-awe expression on his face. I froze too, as I took a deep breath and wondered about the many, many different responses he might have to the truth I’d just served up and what I might say in response. Then I watched as the corners of his lips started to head north and what was once an exaggerated look of surprise was slowly becoming a smirk, and would then go on to become a smile – yes, a smile! I was about to tell him that I didn’t mean that in a hurtful way, but rather that I was just being frank about the my feelings on the matter at hand, but he cut me off and said instead, “Wow. I didn’t see that one coming, but I’m actually glad you said it. Whether I like it or not, or agree or not, I still want to know exactly what you’re thinking. It’s better that way. Okay, now let me process, ok?”

Had I really just dodged that bullet by donning my honesty shield? Had I just told the truth and nothing but the truth about a touchy subject and come out of the situation drama free? Yes, I had, and it got me to thinking: What else can the truth get us? And when is the right time to speak these truths? Ultimately it is always better to tell the truth right? Or is it? Did I just get lucky? This is a tricky one. What’s interesting to me, is the Man’s use of the phrase “Stepford Wife” in this case. Is that what I’d be if I hadn’t spoken my mind? Is not saying what you really think to avoid a fight, the same as giving your husband his way? I don’t think so. I’m glad I spit it out, but I don’t think not doing so would have made me complacent – just smart enough to know when to pick my battles, in my opinion. Ladies, what say thee?

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