Yes, we’re that couple. The one that loves their dog like their child because they don’t have one yet. So what? That’s what we say — love is love. So, if you agree, you should know that it’s our fur-baby’s birthday today. She’s four-years-old! (That’s 28 in dog years. Which means it’s about time she moved out right?) Ha! Just kidding…
The other day someone asked my husband a very interesting question. They said: “Your wife seems to smile all the time. How do you keep her so happy?” Now, he laughed at first, because he knows good and well there is no such thing as a wife who’s happy wife 24/7, but then he took a stab at giving them what he felt was a sufficient answer. He wants to post a video blog about what he said, so I’ll hold on going into it for now. However, I would like to share what I think the recipe for a happy wife is.
Wives, send this to the hubby if you agree. Men, listen up (even if you’re not married yet!). This is how my husband makes me happy — and as most of you can see, I smile a lot. Okay, let’s do this!
Ingredient List:
Love
Honesty
Support
Patience
Respect
Trust
Joy
Faith
Sex
Even when you love someone you can sometimes say the wrong things when you’re trying to do the right thing. It happens. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can also hurt you – especially when you’re married. I believe this is because you’re so invested in the success of your marriage that you often take things more personally than you might in most other similar situations. It makes sense, right? Hearing certain words or phrases can set off a chain reaction of emotions you may not be ready for – we know, we’ve been there a few times and we’re taking notes.
Our words are so powerful. So much so, that for Man and I, we realize that we need to take a few of them off the table, at least for now, so we can avoid hurting each other unknowingly as we work through the issues that arise in our marriage. Read this list of newly banned words and phrases and our reasons and you might understand why.
In moments of frustration we’ve both used this one in a sentence and the other has been hurt by it and kept quiet. We don’t want to associate failure with anything we’re doing together. We may not succeed every time, but we’re not failing as long as we’re trying. It’s that simple. So, the word goes.
We’ve always embraced and cherished the commitment and love between us. We love hard, and we always have. Since the day he first called me his girlfriend, my husband and I have gone with the flow of our love and lived a no-regrets type of lifestyle. Only, we never discussed the use of the word “regret”. If we commit to our actions, good or bad, for now at least, we don’t need to use it. It goes against our beliefs about love and the way we’ve always chosen to love each other. Continue reading
My husband and I just got home from the movie theater. We went to see the new movie Think Like A Man, and let me just go ahead and say, we did enjoy it. It was funny, smart, and way more realistic than we expected it to be. Now, that said, it was still a movie…not real life. We must always remember, there is a difference, so the “lessons” the film is dishing out should be taken with a grain of salt.
I’ll admit that I didn’t read Steve Harvey’s best seller “Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man” when it first came out; not because I’m a hater, but rather because I’d already met a good man by then and wasn’t totally sold on the idea that I needed to read the book to keep him around. I read it a few years later, mostly out of curiosity. I’d heard so many women swear they’d “turned the tables” on the men in their lives by using a rule from Harvey’s playbook, so you know I had to see what all the fuss was about. I was impressed with the empowerment behind much of his advice, I’ll admit. But, I wasn’t convinced enough to walk around preaching Harvey’s sermons to the masses. Why? My reason is simple: I didn’t have to “man up” to meet a good man who respected me, cherished me, and was willing to put in the effort required to earn my love and trust.
When I met Man, I didn’t approach dating thinking like I thought he did, I thought like me because that’s all I knew how to do and I wanted to be true to myself and date within my comfort zone. The book (and the movie) will tell you that thinking a step ahead of the guy you want to be with will get you to the relationship you want faster, or filter out the losers. Maybe…but that’s not always the case. Not every man is a conniving genius who strategically plans out every play or pass he makes at you. If you believe that, I think you’re giving some men too much credit.
Yes, there are plenty of jerks, dogs, and deadbeats out there trying to get your “cookies,” and faking interest, affection, and in extreme cases even love, just to score them. But then there are the decent men out there who ask you out because they want to get to know you better, not because they’re testing out a pickup line. The ones who want to be intimate because they genuinely find you attractive and feel it’s okay to make a move; not because they think that’s all you’re good for. The ones who don’t give a shit how successful or beautiful you are if you’re ugly on the inside. The ones who think a woman who throws her rules and standards in a man’s face before he can even get the check on a first date are more man than they could ever be and pretty scary. Continue reading
We learn as we go. Marriage works that way. No matter how painful the lessons, we appreciate the wisdom that follows them. Our marriage will turn two this year, and the other night over dinner Man and I had a great conversation about our successes and failures from year one. This is a list of some of the mistakes we made that we’ve seen or heard of other newlyweds making also. Can you relate?
“When are the babies coming?”…“You don’t want to be too old to keep up with your kids do you?”…”There’s no such thing as the ‘right time’!”…We’ve heard them all, hundreds of times — mostly after we got married, but a few times before also. It’s been exhausting coming up with new and polite ways to say, “Please, mind your business.” My husband and I have always been very clear on why we’re choosing to wait, but I’m here to tell you, enough of this talk from your FWKs (Friends With Kids) and you’ll actually find yourselves going, “Wait…what are we waiting on again?” Luckily, we snap out of it before we wind up on a road we’re not ready to travel, but we have seen other newly married couples catching baby fever from their FWKs and throwing their original plan out the window. Let me be clear here: Having a baby is not a mistake. But, I do believe that if you and your spouse decide to become parents because you feel like it’s what all the other adults around you are doing or because your friends and family want you to, you’re making the mistake of putting others’ needs and goals before your own, and that’s just no good.
Money is the root of a lot of evil – this we know – and not discussing it properly with your new spouse can also mean the demise of the trust in your marriage, if you’re not careful. (Trust me, we’ve experienced some of this first hand.) Before the “I do”s it’s easy to justify keeping your finances separate, especially if you’re both very private people. But, when you agree to share a last name, a life, and a home, like it or not, you’re agreeing to share finances too. If you’re resistant to this idea, and you’re juggling a lot financially within your marriage, suddenly you’re using phrases like “my money” and “secret savings” and being very defensive and petty about the earnings you bring to the table. How you choose to divvy out your finances is a decision you must make together – I’m just suggesting you talk about it day one, not the day after you find out one of you has been stashing cash and lying about it. Those arguments are brutal, dangerous, and totally avoidable.
They have a house but you rent. They can afford a housekeeper, but you can barely afford premium cable. Your last romantic getaway was courtesy of a Groupon deal to Jamaica, and they just posted fabulous photos from their luxurious Turks and Caicos getaway. So you’re living different lives – who cares?! If you let what other couples have turn your eyes green, you’ll be so distracted by trying to keep up with their marriage you could lose track of your own. Enjoy your married friends; don’t envy them. Continue reading
Photo: Turn Loose the Art Photography
I’m baaaaack! Many of you wrote to me asking why I hadn’t posted in awhile – thank you for that. All is well, I promise. Admittedly, I took a much-needed hiatus from blogging to spend more time with my husband, who had grown increasingly crankier as I spent more nights pounding my keyboard than cuddling with him on our couch. During the break, my focus was on finding more of a balance between my personal and professional lives. Honestly, I’m so glad I pressed pause. I wasn’t sure how long I would need to come up with a new plan for how to attempt to “do it all” daily, but I told myself, if I just slow down for a minute, the answers will come – and they did.
You know, the main focus of my blog is to share lessons from a marriage in progress – my marriage! – so today’s return post is exactly the kind of thing I had in mind when I imagined how this site would ultimately come together. Below you’ll find the lessons I learned during “the break.” Perhaps there is something there for you too. Feedback welcome!
This was my regular catch phrase at home. After working 11 hours and coming home to my husband, I would sometimes jump on the computer before I’d even finished my nightly household and personal maintenance stuff. He wouldn’t mind at first — because he’s supportive and I love him — but he’d eventually ask me to join him on the couch for a movie or an episode of 30 Rock. My response every time was, “In a minute honey!” Fast forward an hour and he would have already gone to bed (lights out and snoring) and I’d still be feverishly typing away on my laptop. I felt guilty, of course, but the damage was done, so I kept on typing. Then it hit me: This wasn’t a one-off forgivable moment; it was a nighty occurrence. When we sat down to talk about balance, my husband reminded me that it’s important to mean what you say and say what you mean. He truly believed that I’d just be a minute, and each time that “minute” turned into an hour, or two, he felt disappointed. I love my husband more than I can even put into words, and I don’t’ want to ever (ever!) let him down, or make him feel like anything less than the center of my universe — especially not repeatedly. Note to Self: Be realistic with my timing, and commit to what I say. It matters!
Looking back on my last year or so of blogging, I realized there were many late evenings and long weekends where I actually convinced myself that it was okay to skip out on movie night plans or a dinner date with my husband to write blog posts and respond to comments because my readers “expected something new” and I didn’t want to let them down. But, following that logic only led me to let my husband down. Which is a crime I deem far worse. I love you guys, I do, but I know now that you all won’t lose a wink of sleep if I decide not to blog on any given day, but if I decide to work or blog instead of go out with my husband, he will. Not to Self: There will be moments when you choose to put your job or your hobby before your marriage, but they must be just that: moments. If they are any longer, or become any more frequent, you’re headed for trouble. Love can’t wait, but the world can! Continue reading
