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I’ve blogged in the past about my total willingness to accept that my husband has a “work wife” in his life. I know her. I trust her. And, she has proven time and time again to have both his back and OUR back! (That’s three thumbs-up in my book.) That said, there are a few other women he has encountered through his work life that I’d much rather not hear about ever again. I won’t go into too many details (I’m aware many of his co-workers, both past and present, could possibly be reading this, and he doesn’t need the drama!) but I’m going to sum it up with a few thoughts that will get you to where I’m headed with this, and then you can tell me what you think…
If You Want to Be His “Friend”, You Should Want to Know Me Too!
I cannot tell you how many times my husband has come home talking about a new female co-worker buddy he chats with on the job who used this phrase: “Oh Please, I know you’re married. I just want to be your friend!” Then, they always follow up this bull with the same telltale mistakes. They are as follows: They never ask about me, or us; just him. They’re conveniently nowhere to be found when I’m around the job or suddenly “shy” when he’s with me at the office holiday party. Get real, lady! You don’t want to be his friend; you want more. I showed my husband how to spot the signs long ago, and we still laugh together at these so called “buddies” and how quickly they fade away when they realize he’s happy at home and staying there.
If You Have A Man of Your Own, Don’t Rely On Mine!
I’m 100-percent not cool with a female “friend” of my husband’s calling on him in their time of need. Money problems? Kids wrecking your nerves? Need “to talk”? I don’t care! That’s not his job, nor is it the role he should be playing in your life. He has already been cast as the main man I depend on in my life. Get a new script, and get real lady!
Now, my husband is usually on board with these typical tricks of the trade, but every now and then we find ourselves “discussing” how he should or shouldn’t “let down” a female co-worker nicely – and if you ask me, we spend way too much time hashing it out. For me, it’s simple: I’m okay with you having a few female friends that aren’t me, but there are rules that must be followed. 1. If she was your friend long before you’d ever even laid eyes on me, I won’t dispute that bond. 2. Don’t call her a “friend” if she hasn’t earned that title; and trust me, earning it takes way more than just providing good conversation on your lunch break or offering to get you coffee. And, 3. You just don’t need many female friends in your life if you have a best friend like me, so you better pick wisely, buddy! Okay? Okay…now no more talk about these women, please!
Oh, and one other thing: I should note that in my adult lifetime, I’ve had a total of six really close, totally-like-my-brother-100-percent-platonic type guy friends — four of which I met and knew B.H. (Before Hubby). At the present time, I only have three left, two of which are as gay as they come, and the last up and moved all the way across the country to Los Angeles and says he’s never coming back because he loves it there. In short: I do meet nice guys, quite often, and we keep it friendly in passing. But, I don’t personally make it a habit to put any real effort into increasing the number of male “buddies” in my life. I just don’t see the point. My husband is my best friend and the others have enough awesomeness to go around. The majority of the straight men I interact with on a daily basis outside of the office “belong” to a close friend of mine (wink!) and we’re on a double date, or they’re family. Case closed!
Ladies, can you feel me on this one? What are your thoughts on the “other women” in his life? Any gripes? What are your “rules” and expectations? Think I’m crazy? Whatever…let’s discuss!
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I love this post! I feel you all the way!
Thanks Ronni!!
I totally agree with this post. I do not get down with new female friends trying to be all friendly with my guy. That is not the business.
I think sometimes it's the "co-workers" who feel they have an advantage. No matter what, they get to see him every day. (Whether we like it or not.) They think it's the inside track!
There's a thin line when making new friends of the opposite sex in relationships. On one hand, you don't want to stifle your partner and make them nervous or drive them to be secretive about who they are meeting and befriending. On the other, you don't want to be naive. Your partner may have the best intentions and that other person may or may not have malicious intent, but setting some ground rules in the first place is a perfect way to prevent "misunderstandings" about what type of conduct is expected of a SO.
VERY good point. I tell my husband all the time that first and foremost I appreciate his honesty. I wouldn't know about any f this if he didn't tell me…you know? That said, occasionally I do have to watch where I step. Sometimes I go on and on and on about it and he has that "uh-oh, I never should have said anything face on." Know that one?
I had to teach my husband about female "friends" long ago. Now he is a pro at spotting the raggedy ones and shuts them down immediately. Great post. Thanks for sharing.
Ha! Yes, we need to give them a full blown course in "women to beware of!" Glad to know my hubby isn't the only star pupil out there!
So can we have a post about that??? I'd appreciate it, that's for sure.
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It is always a really hard thing to handle these situations, but I think after 10 years of marriage I already can handle this. I know that my husband is interested in other ladies as well, but I trust him and I know he won't cheat on me… so why be angry?
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I wouldn't say I'm angry with these "friends" — mostly just annoyed!
LOVE this. Charli, you are ALWAYS on point with your posts. Thank you for keeping it real…once again.
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Amen sister! Great post!! So true!!
Nicki G. http://www.blissfulvida.com
Thanks Nicki G!! I appreciate the comment love!
I agree 100% and I am single. I only have 2 male friends straight up platonic …no hanky panky with either, but then one of them is gay (LOL) It seems that you guys have communicated well and have an understanding and communication is key.
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Ha ha! I always refer to my boss as my work husband. He has me checking to see if his tie is straight, picking up his lunch etc. His wife is nice but I know she gets tired of his over night hours. He gets a room across the street because it's crazy busy this season.
I wouldn't want my husband to have a work "wife". He'd have to get another profession or a male work "wife" LOL
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My husband only has 2 "other women" in his life: his mom and one of his friends that he knew before me, and me & her are cool. I don't expect any new ones to come around, mostly because hubby doesn't play that. He doesn't desire that potential drama, which puts me at ease. The female friend he has is really, truly, like family. Completely platonic. We were actually over her family's house for the holiday. So as far as the other women, he's not interested, and I'm not worried
I think he could tell them off better than I can, haha.
On point! I couldn’t agree more!
I agree that neither husband nor wife needs to actively seek out a plethora of opposite-sex friends at work or any other settings. There's a difference and space between a friend and an acquaintance. What do you think about a boyfriend who is constantly "liking" the pics of a facebook friend of opposite-sex, and the pics are usually of the fb friend dressed in outfits revealing a lot of cleavage and mini-mini skirts?
I think it sounds like he can't keep his eyes to himself and isn't being very respectful to the woman he's with. Your cleavage and butt should be his only concern if his focus is on making you happy.
Here we go again with wives talking about the "predator" other women "stalking" your man. SMH. These conversations usually happens about once a year–like clockwork. If a man answers his "caller ID" phone in front of you…lol…much less gives out his number…then HE IS DISRESPECTING HIS FAMILY. How many female coworkers hunt down the company directory to get their "friend's" home number? Yeah right. He gave it up, and he's now playing the "victim" about this woman who just won't leave him alone. Let me tell it like this: Every guy at my job has approached me to be "friends". They are ALL married, and have been told (by me) to search elsewhere. I am usually told that I'm too uptight because I can't just "be friends"…and that I need to "live a little". lol! They all invite me out…to the local bar to watch the game (no prob), to to club for happy hour (no prob), to the running path to run (hmm…ok), to their house when their wife is working late (yeah, ok), to the jazz festival that coincidentally only they show up to (hmmmm).
All B.S.
I spend more time fighting off married men then I do getting approached by single men. Who knew that these married men were busy talking to their wives about the women who just can't leave them alone??
Any woman who is that NAIVE about their husbands needs a lesson in Biology 101 (Animal Kingdom).
I'm not off the soapbox yet…because the season of blaming other women for their cheating husbands has just started.
Both the women and the husbands are to blame here and I feel i made that clear. If you think there aren't as many "predators" out there as there are no-good husbands, you're either lying to yourself or blind. I think my thoughts are just that — mine. And as a wife who is having real experiences with these women I have every right to share them. I regularly share my husband's faults and imperfections as well as my own. So, your extreme anger feels out of place. I applaud you for being a woman who would never get involved with married men, but shame on you for scolding me for saying these women do exist. If you've never met a single woman up to no damn good and willing to go very, very far to get a married man's attention, than you're just not looking. They're right there standing with all those bad news men you seem to harbor so much hatred for. My article is biased toward wives just as your comment is biased toward single women who get hit on by married me. We can both have our opinions and stand firmly by them. But that said, just one side note: "Naive about their husbands needs" sounds like pretty odd wording coming from a woman who says she's never gone there and never will. I've only known women who do get involved with married men and married men who cheat to speak in terms like that. Just saying. Either way, I appreciate all the comment love as always. Since you posted this same comment on both BAMWK and my site I wanted to be sure you knew I read it.
Am totally with you..I remember I felt so jealous when my husband was thinking of getting a young female secretary saying "women are more sincere and young because they are efficient." I know my husband is the last person who would get involved with his secretary; but I have to admit I was jealous even when there was only talk about getting such a secretary. Sometimes I feel I'm too possessive and insecure especially when a girl friend of mine said she's totally okay with her husband having a young, female secretary. Yet can't help feeling the smoke without fire:)
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My ex husband has been living with another woman for 6 years. I was so unhappy , I tried but I don’t want other men… I tried to get him back but it didn’t work!
i almost gave up! but i never lost hope because i know i will get him back someday and today as i am saying greatzuba@gmail.com did for me, he brought back my husband and our marriage has been in a good shape and our marriage is getting perfect like never before
I am with you on this. Too many people (both men and women) who thought they would never disrespect their marriage vows gradually drift into emotional (or physical) affairs with people who were once "just friends". Sometimes there are predatory intentions involved, but all too often it is a matter of crossing one blurry line at a time. It is vital to know exactly where the lines are drawn and then stay as far away from them as possible.
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My husband for 5 long years had an assistant that I didn't know about who he took out to lunch, lent money to and hung out at the office with. The assistant took it upon herself to become my husband's confidante and felt she had the right to be calling my husband at all hours of the day and night to ask for advise about her kids, her relationship, even to ask for driving directions. There were long texting sessions late at night on holidays, such as Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve and not once during that time did I ever meet this woman or hear about her. Did this woman ever consider that her friend had a wife and that the wife was being excluded from their little friendship and that the man's time with his family was being interrupted by her constant calling and texting? Didn't matter to her either that when I found out about that friendship I demanded it stop because she continued emailing my husband behind my back ,or so she thought. The friendship or whatever that was has been over now for a while but I still detest that woman. Btw, not solely blaming the other woman, my husband is a dog too!
I can imagine this was a very frustrating situation for you. I get it, I do. On one hand, I'm glad that your husband was very transparent about his actions. But did all of this continue after you asked him to cut off such intimate communication with her? Did you ask? Just curious. These women are everywhere and many of them will continue to forge ahead with close-friendships with married men, the whole time masking it as "friendship." I try to make sure my husband sees them coming a mile away and does his part when they try to work their way in. That way he won't share the blame. Communication is the key there. I'm so glad you commented and shared your story. Thanks so much for stopping by and I hope to see you around the blog again soon.
I fill you on this topic, my husband has a friend that calls him any time she wants, i blame myself for letting this go on for so long.finally i told her to not call my husband as a matter of fact she has one. I also put my husband in check also.
I feel as if am the one you are talking about,my man has got so many close female friends for whom i dont understand wat they share?am mad n about to quit the whole thing.
Nicely stated!!!
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I (hesitantly) admit that I have a possessive streak where my husband is concerned and I'm working on that. There will be no talk about a "work wife"; that just isn't funny. I've earned the wife title and it should be mine all by myself. I get the concept of the work wife, but I really really believe people shouldn't flirt with tempting situations and the work environment offers many. Setting boundaries and expectations is the way my husband and I handle opposite-sex friendships. Knowing that he is respecting these boundaries helps me a lot! I have a handful of good female friends and that's good enough for me. I make an effort to avoid close male friendships. I know how him having a close female friend makes me feel. I don't want to chance burdening him the same way.
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My husband has a female friend that in the past wanted to be more than friends, he met her when he was getting a divorce from his first wife and he said that he helped him and became his friend, They have a bond that makes me uncomfortable. I talk to him about it and every time I mention her name he gets angry with me. I tried to befriend her when I first met her but she did not accept my friendship; she would always call when she knew I wasn't around and she called one time when I was home and asked him if I was home. He says that they are just friends and that if we weren't together they will be still just friends, nothing more. I try to teach him home some female friends have other motives, specially since he says this woman agreed to be just friends. I know by the way she acts when I try to talk to her that she has other motives. I know she is the reason all of his previous relationships after his first wife failed because she was always in the picture trying to cause division between him and his girlfriend and now between him and I. Every time I try to talk about him he tells me to stop being insecure and not to mansion her anymore. I told him that I am not jealous about him and his female friend I just don't understand if she is such a good close friend why doesn't she want to get to know me. He says that she noticed that I was insecure from the first time we met and that is why she doesn't like me. I don't get that. Please can someone give me some feedback? I am not willing to give up on my husband, he is a good man but this relationship with this female friend is wearing our relationship out. If I don't mention her we are ok. but as soon as I ask anything about her, hell breaks loose. Man! I need help. Am I over reacting, Am I insecure???
Your instincts are good. My husband of two years frequently hands over his business card to new women he meets when I am with him. One he recently met accepted his friend request in Facebook but refused to friend me, although I have known her longer than he has. He is a professor and he constantly uses that intro to generate friendly exchanges with women, even though I am with him.
Hi Madel:
What your husband is doing is unacceptable. He needs to put you as a priority as your feelings should count more than the other woman–he married you! If he is placing her more as a priority, than that is important information for you and you should be ready to put down an ultimatim and follow through with it. You deserve respect and dignity and he is playing two women off each other which is very selfish. Good luck!
Good article. I am fine with my husband having female friends that have no issue being friends with me. It’s when the females want to only speak to the hubbs when im not around that im offended. My hubby had a female friend with whom he had a fling with, she was supposedly his best female friend and confidant and I couldnt figure out why I was so uneasy until One day she was texting him about having her husband help him find a job. I asked my hsband if her husband knew about their past and he said no, I told him I didnt trust him to be friends with a woman who would hide that kind of thing from her husband. Sure enough when my husband told her she needed to be upfront with her husband about her past. She got defensive and said “No, dont tell B*$/^(her husbands name). That move right there let me know she was untruthful and had bad intentions whether with my husband or someone else. My husband deleted her from his phone, email, fb, and toldher they couldnt be friends. They havent spoken since and im happier that she is out the picture.
My husband has female friends I get that. Before we got married when we were just engaged I found these texts back and forth where he kept telling her she was beautiful and saying I love you, calling her dear stuff like that. I confronted him about it and he insisted they were just friends. I believed him and still do. But I also took that time to explain to him that it seemed like more than a friendship. That because we were engaged I wasn't ok with him having that kind of friendship with a woman. It was inappropriate. So he deleted her from his accounts and phone etc… Later after we were married I felt bad and thought who am I to tell him who he can talk to or not talk to. So I told him I was sorry but he wasn't to talk to her in the affectionate way he used to. That all the things he says to me because he loves me he should never be saying to her. He doesn't talk to her that way anymore and I know she is unaware that I asked him to stop talking to her originally because I've read messages and I saw the excuse he gave her had nothing to do with me. Please note I've only kept an eye on the friendship they have had because it was inappropriate. But now that they have been talking for quite some time again, we are married now, she makes no effort to get to know me whatsoever and I feel insulted and I don't like the woman. I'm now pregnant and we are expecting our first child. She heard and asked him r u going to have a baby. Upon him saying yes her instant response was these words " oh my god that's insane ". Now I think typically a normal response would be a wow congratulations or an I'm happy for you – you know something along the lines of that. I am not comfortable with this woman at all anymore but I don't want to be a wife that tells him who he can talk to I'm working on being supportive of his decisions. I'm not concerned about him cheating on me, I know he won't but it bothers me that he makes such an effort to be friends with a woman that doesn't make an effort to get to know me , and doesn't seem to like or support my husband and I starting a family. He defends her when he should be defending me and how i feel. I have made him the number one person in my life not counting my two mothers ( I'm adopted) and I would always defend him over some other man close friend or not. I feel like he gets frustrated with me when I point out how she acts to him like he would rather side with her than me. I don't know what to do I am at my wits end and I need advice!!
Anyone??
What if he has six female friends. Three of them are ex-girlfriends.
Before me. I use to deal with thug-ish men in the past. He was the frist with degrees So thought maybe in this circle differnet rules. . Two of them are in love with him and have made efforts not to be friend me but, request has handi man services for every thing. I figured in the beginning he would get rid of them as we get close no need to make waves if he wanted them he could easily have been with any of them. One has a close bond with the family almost like if she is the daughter in law and I am the friend. They do anything for her and correct her for nothing she does. I tryed to see it as being mature adult but, I could not one chick was calling his phone and he didnt anwser she called my phone to ask me why everytime he is with you he dont take my calls. I hung up and told him uou need to check her his response block her from your phone I was like no N word you better let her know. She anit that important and never call either of us ever wagain for crossing the line. Nope it flipped on me I am insecure immature she needed work done for her insurance. I am working for her. obviously she feel the floor because if she will call my phone that tells me that she thinks she superior to me. You know I let the crap slide. Next biggie the the we have a daughter she is born my mother passed three years before. My family is pretty big she seats with my baby daddy the whole baby shower he never even left her side. I was publicly humiliated Ben he flirted with my niece who was from out of town and staying with us and he inappropriately talked and played and flirted with her the whole time she was there. When I talked to him about it insecure immature paranoid sick in the head getting angry with me. Once our baby wa born my oldest sister who I saw once over our mother died drove into town to see the baby she had opened her home to us when his sister had cancer and was very sick we drove she pulled out the royal carpet for us. So there are some really nice cars in the drive way just family but looks like a party. The friend cimes over with a sick kid coughing new baby i say something nively. She coukd careless about the baby she got a phone my man needs to see forget my family our moment she gotta phone he gotta program right now so what new baby I run this man and he do what I say. Anither public display if disrespect I was about to go Sophia on her. I yelled and lost it in return he kicked my family out. My brothrr in law said I been kicked out of much better places. I packed my stuff and moved out frist chance I could. We are not together I asked the grandmother to watch her and the friend called them they in their late eighties to use his pick up truck grandfather to move a stove so she wouldnt have to pay delivery. Grandmother explained what a great friend she has been cook food when her son died and her daughter. I was thinking wow this is where the boundary issues start from the mom down to the son. I dont want my daughter to grow up not being a priority also how to feel that any friend came over for her husband has a right to come in to be disrespectful use house I realize that is this a bad look there’s nothing to f*** men were more respectful than this alleged gentleman and I’ll be back looking at the character of the man and not so much of what I think a man is suppose to be because I never want to be disrespected to level of disrespect I was with degrees!