The Man and I honestly don’t fight about much, but one of the biggest blowouts we’ve ever had was over an ex boyfriend of mine. Back then we weren’t actually married, just seriously dating, and he didn’t like the idea of this ex (who, admittedly, he despised from day one) calling me up from time to time to say hello – usually twice a year at best.
I’m not an evil person and things between this ex and me didn’t end on bad terms, so I didn’t fill that obliging my then-boyfriend’s wishes to “pretend as if I never knew his name” was the mature thing to do. I stand by my personal morals, always, and I felt that was both cruel and unnecessary. To me what mattered most was that we had trust in our relationship and the he believed me when I said we were just friends and there was nothing to ever worry about. This, of course, did not sit well with him and after he got tired of arguing with me about it he decided to put his foot down and “demand” I never speak to him, or any other ex of mine, again. Now, I’m not going to lie to you guys…
As much as I can understand why your new love would want you to forget all about your old ones, I just don’t agree with the idea of erasing someone from your life, not because you feel it necessary, but because someone else insists that you do. Seems lame and totally out of line. I felt that way back then, and I still in so many ways do today as well. That said, at the time he made this “request” of me, I knew I loved The Man more than I’d ever loved any man in this world and that he’d be my husband one day. I had to make a decision I didn’t agree with in order to make the person I care deeply about happy.
That was an early lesson on what marriage would ultimately sometimes be about – compromise. I don’t speak to any of my ex boyfriends now and haven’t since the day I said “okay” to his sort-of-ultimatum. This wasn’t painful, because there was barely any communication there anyway, but it was difficult to do because in a way I felt like I was giving in to a man’s wishes for me, and going against what I felt was right in my heart. Plus sometimes I’d ask myself how I’d feel if I saw an ex in the supermarket whom I’d had a history with and they pretended that I was a stranger they’d never seen before. I’d probably be a little hurt, and I hated that I was put in a position to hurt someone I used to love in order to make the person I love now happy. That sort of sucks, don’t you think?
I’m over it, and glad I made that decision, but I thought about it the other day and wondered if I was the only wife out there who’d ever been asked to do this and felt a certain discontentment about it.
Do you still speak to an ex (even if only on occasion)? Has your husband ever asked something of you that you didn’t agree with but chose to do anyway to keep the piece?