Real Wife Confession: Yes, I Destroyed My Husband’s Favorite Shorts

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khaki shorts mensI’m a kind, loving, and mostly-reasonable wife. Or, at least I’d like to think I am. We’d have to double check with The Man after this confession goes live to be sure. I’m confessing this morning about something I did that I’m sure my husband won’t be pleased to find out about, but it made me feel good so I did it. Don’t judge me until you read the whole story, ok?

So when my husband was just my boyfriend he would come and spend the night at my place and bring these hideous old khaki shorts to sleep in. Note: I purposely chose the word “hideous” to describe them. It is not an exaggeration; if anything it’s an understatement. Back then (seven years ago) they were awful – there were giant rips and holes everywhere and yucky mysterious stains here and there. I teased him constantly about them but he told me they were his favorite because they were unbelievably comfortable and he’d had them forever – yeah clearly. So I let them slide for a few years. He’d wear them when he cooked, when he cleaned – even when he hopped out the shower and had to iron his clothes. They were like his security blanket, if you will.

Around year five of our relationship The Shorts started to really eerk my nerves. He started leaving them on when company stopped by and the holes had only gotten larger. At this point, there was so little of the shorts left it was almost as if he was walking around in his underwear. I begged him to stop wearing them, but he wouldn’t. Like ants in the summertime, they just kept coming back, and back, and back!!!!

Tired of waiting for him to make good on his promise and lay them to rest I started offering to do his laundry with the hopes that I could secretly “misplace them” and he’d just move on. Once I hid them way, way back in the depths of my closet. It took him a few days but he was frantic, and he searched until he found them. Another time I thought he’d be gone all day and I tossed them in the trash, but forgot to tie it up and take it out. He came home and saw them sitting on top of the pile and lost it. From that point on he guarded the shorts with his life. This went on for another year and he was so good at keeping tabs on them, I didn’t even get a chance to lay a finger on them unless he was wearing them (if you can call it wearing them) around the house.

Then the other day he went to bend over to grab the trash, while wearing The Shorts, and I literally saw his manhood (yes, manhood!) peek out of the gaping rip where the bottom of his pocket used to be. Enough, I thought! I slipped him some extra wine before bed and waited for him to take them off and hop in the shower. I hid them, hoping he’d be just tipsy enough not to notice they were gone. It worked! That night while he was sleeping I ripped them to pieces (which took maybe two yanks, they were so ragged at this point) and bagged up the remains. Then the oddest thing happened. I was overcome with simultaneous feelings of guilt and relief. I felt terrible about destroying my husband’s favorite shorts, but thrilled at the fact that I’d prevented his little man from accidentally showing himself to one of our female neighbors when he was taking out the trash.

So, yes, I did it. I destroyed my husband’s favorite shorts. Man, when you read this please know that I am sorry if this news hurts you, but I am not sorry that I did it. Sometimes a wife has to do what a wife has to do. Do you agree? Or was I wrong to take matters into my own hands here? Go ahead, let me hear it. I’m a big girl, I can take it – promise!

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19 Responses to Real Wife Confession: Yes, I Destroyed My Husband’s Favorite Shorts

  1. pattysweetcakes says:

    oh, my…though i support you a thousand percent for ridding yourself of the blasted rag, i unfortunately know that he will not forgive you so easily…for some reason logic does not apply to these types of attachments .he will take it personally…i suggest you find an alternate pair of pants and wash them about ten times with plenty of bleach and softner and give them to him as a peace offering…with muhos muchos besos!!!!!

  2. You go girl!! lol I love that you not only got rid of them, you destroyed them to the point if he retrieved them he wouldn't be able to wear them!!
    This is something I would do. We have been married 9 years and I honestly don't think I would give it a second thought. Sure he will be mad, but you all will move on. Just imagine if you were wearing a horrible pair of shoes for years, and they were falling apart……he would probably do the same thing. That's what married couples do, we take care of each other. Well, that is what we will call it. I enjoyed this post! :)

    My recent post Jada and Will Smith – Are YOU Serious?

  3. Sadi says:

    All I can say is, HILARIOUS. Love it!

  4. Alisha says:

    oh Wife. Bad idea, I think. Very seldom do men get attached to things, especially those things that bring, as you said, security. They’re so used to providing security, you know? And he had something, one thing, that not only had a lot of history for him, but brought him comfort. I know the feeling; I have a pair of sweat pants w/a huge hole in the thigh. Had them for over a decade. I love them and don’t know what I’d do if someone I loved just threw them away.

    I hope you post what his reaction is to your deed!

    • ManWifeDog says:

      I hear you, I do, but if I had a dollar for every time he's "lost" a mini skirt or tight dress of mine I could buy him a brand new pair of shorts. There's a double standard and it was driving me NUTS — ha! I'll let you guys know when I hear from him about it. He may side with you and I may be sleeping in the dog house with Karma tonight. (Fingers crossed.)

      • Alisha L. Gordon says:

        He does that?! People do that? Jeez. Yeah, let us know how that works out! Nice pun! (nuts) lol

  5. Tiffany says:

    Lmao @ "he guarded the shorts with his life". My hubby has a couple wardrobe items that I'm not crazy about, but they don't seem nearly as bad as The Man's shorts! Now you can't get mad if he destroys something in your wardrobe that he hates!
    My recent post 21 Questions

  6. I.White says:

    Ha! Go girl! I wish I had the courage to get rid of a couple of my hubby's things. He has some jogging pants that I keep hiding and he keeps finding. He likes to wear them around the house and they have tons on holes in them. I bought him the same pants for a fresher look and he won't wear the new ones. Argh…
    My recent post Like A Mo-Fo

  7. The Student says:

    OMG! I swear my husband has these gym shorts that he wore in high school…mind you he's almost 30 now. He still sleeps in them. I want them gone so bad. The are so raggedy. I could never destroy them though. He loves them so I guess they can stay. :)

    I will say…when the Man's manhood starts making unexpected, nonsexual appearances…it's time for those shorts to go…really though!
    My recent post 365 Reasons I Married My Husband (Reasons 99-105)

  8. myloverswife says:

    I don’t blame you one bit. Men are like dirty little boys…they can’t help themselves. My husband has some shorts that he wears around the house that exposes his manhood. Other than the hole in the crotch they’re not too bad. He had some underwear that I recently tossed (that he does not know about yet) that were shameful. One side was pretty much gone. He would wear these when all of his “good” underwear was in the laundry basket. I was embarrassed at the thought of him wearing them. If anyone had ever seen them I would have died. When I tossed them I decided he would never know as long as I keep the clothes clean. We’ll see how long that lasts…

  9. The Man says:

    I am terribly distraught. For real baby? I will be holding a funeral service tomorrow on the blog at 8pm sharp. Everyone is invited and in the meantime please light a candle for The Shorts. Oh the madness. Can anyone take my wife in for the night? She’s not welcome here for now. Grr!

    • ManWifeDog says:

      Honey, by now, you know know I sorry I am. Still love me? I will make this up to you, promise. (But I ain't going nowhere…the couch is as far as I shall stray tonight.) You're stuck with me for life.

  10. akima says:

    Ooh! This was harsh. I have a pair of sweatpants that I've had for many years. They have strings hanging from them and the waistband's elastic is held in place with hope. You can literally see the elastic. They're holey and faded but I LOVE them and they are the softest things I own. I purge clothing regularly and I have honestly tried to get rid of them. I've had to "save" them from the trash twice.

    My "Man" rolls his eyes whenever I pull them out but now that I think about it, they ARE missing. Hmmm…

  11. My hubby is similar. He has these shorts that he's now officially dubbed as "second draws" and I can't get rid of them. If the shorts pictured are the shorts The Man had, then hubby has the same pair lol. His also have rips, but he decided to give them to me (for just throwing on) and bought a new pair.
    My recent post Marriage Chat Recap: Parenting with a Purpose

  12. Anon says:

    Terrible! Hilarious, but terrible! The worst I've done is thrown the BF's $10 toothbrush in the trash after an argument. He was pretty upset, but I have thus far refused to replace it because he was in the wrong to begin with. *shrug*

  13. TheProDiva says:

    This is HILARIOUS!!!! I know exactly how you feel. My hubby has certain items of clothing that he becomes attached to that annoy me like crazy. I, however, throw them away and hope that he finds a new item of clothing to annoy me, which he always does. And then the cycle continues. You were brave for getting rid of the shorts. Next time, try to find an alternative pair of shorts for him….preferably a pair that resembles to the ones he love so dearly.
    My recent post Martini Break!!!

  14. legalgrindingwifey says:

    this is funny. My husband always seems to ruin my new favorite shirt by bleaching it out drying on too high heat.
    My recent post Introducing Legal Grinding Wifey

  15. Dawna says:

    Once, my ex (thanks GOD!)-husband got a wild hair and decided he did not want to be married anymore. He moved in with his dad and step-mom, 4 hours away, leaving me with 3 kids and a pile of bills. Despite his promise to help make all our bills current, he quickly forgot and began blowing money on gym memberships, skanky women, and clothes.After repeatedly asking him to pay up, with no luck, I had a streak of luck. As I searched under my bed for a lost shoe, I discovered one prized possession he had left behind. None other than his life-size cardboard figure of Mr. Spock, the Holy Grail to a Trecky. I politely lopped off his pointy ears with a box cutter and dropped them into the mail, along with a "ransom" note, instructing him to pay up as promised if he would like there to be enough left of Spock to tape those ears back onto. I had a check by the end of the week. : ) Most folks, including his own mother, thought my idea was hilarious. He never did and will still get boiling mad to this day, when it is mentioned.
    My recent post U-G-L-Y. I ain't got no alibi. This soap is UGLY!!!!!!!!

  16. cvmonsters says:

    Yes i destroyed my husband. It is the confessional statement by the wife of the man. It is extremely blunt and confident statement given by the lady. It was not expected. It is very rare.

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