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I think there’s a lesson or a message in everyone’s every woman’s story. I started this blog to share my story and to (hopefully) offer some been-there-done-that advice to those reading along the way. It’s been very therapeutic for me so far, so I thought it could be a good idea to open the floor for other wives to do the same. So let’s give it a try, shall we?
Introducing Real Wife Confessions. They are real stories from real women who have chosen to go by an alias to protect their privacy. It’s a chance for wives to spill their beans, open their hearts, release some guilt or just let out a big e-scream if they want to.
Today a woman who we’ll call The Thought It Was Right Wife shares what happened to her new marriage when she ignored her husband’s affinity for computer porn. Read it and share your thoughts/support/questions with her in the comment section below if you’d like. (Please comment responsibly. There is a real woman behind these words. Thank you.)
“My story begins in the spring of 2005. In the beginning, everything started out perfect — just like a fairytale. It was such a whirlwind romance. I met the man of my dreams and even though it was a long distance relationship, it worked. We fell in love and eventually he popped the question the night before my birthday. The guy I was so in love with wanted me to move in with him, marry him, and start a family. What more could a girl ask for? A year later, I found a job and moved to his state where we began to plan our dream wedding.
My husband has always been a computer/video game freak and spends a lot of time on both. One day I found naked pictures of women saved on his hard drive. I asked him about it and he said “one of the guys sent it” to him and he forgot it was still on his computer. I wasn’t happy, but I believe him and I let it go. Then another time I found a few porn DVDs stashed in his dresser drawer. Again, I was not happy, so I spoke on it. When I asked him about it he said ‘All guys look at porn.’ I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with it because none of the women looked anything like me and that hurt my feelings and made me feel insecure. After seeing how upset I was he vowed to throw away his porn collection for good. He told me those women (porn actresses) didn’t matter and that only I did. So I believed him. I wanted to just move on and get past it. We went on with our wedding planning and our lives. Throughout our engagement, I noticed he spent more and more time on the computer, which was in our bedroom, and less time wanting to be intimate with me in our actual bed. When I asked him about it, he said the computer was a way to relieve the stress of his job. What else could I say? I let it go.
So as the months went by, the intimacy between us still decreased significantly. I didn’t really mind because we were both working hard, and I was so wrapped up in work and wedding planning. One day I asked him if everything was okay because we had not had sex in over a month and a half. Again, he assured me he was just “tired” and “stressed”. Our wedding day came and on the first night of our honeymoon we got pregnant. I thought everything was perfect and I was so excited to be starting a family with my new husband. But I started to sense something really wasn’t right because we were not having sex very often, and when we would it was because I always initiated it. As I got further into my pregnancy, I lost my urge to have sex so I stopped initiating it and he never tried to have sex with me. I figured maybe he was grossed out by my pregnant body. He continued to be on the computer non-stop to the point where I confronted him and insisted he must be having an affair online. He denied it and would stay off the computer for a day or two, just to shut me up. Then it was right back to his usual behavior (him spending hours on the computer back in our bedroom).
After I had the baby, we completely stopped having sex and our communication skills were really lacking. I didn’t bring it up until the baby was five months old. I said to him, ‘Let’s just get a divorce because we haven’t had sex since before our child was born, so you obviously have someone else on the side.’ He denied it still and said he would never cheat on me. I swore he was lying so out of desperation I went into private eye mode. I checked the phone records, the bank accounts, and even spied on him at work. But I couldn’t find anything! I knew something was not right about a young, healthy, married couple not having sex at all. I eventually blamed myself and became obsessed with the idea that I was still too fat after having the baby and gaining weight. So I went on a crash diet and exercise plan and eventually lost 35 pounds in three months. I thought it would make a difference but my husband was still not interested in sex with me and it became clear to me that all the time he was spending online looking at porn was enough for him and he was addicted to it.
I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked him to move out. Right now he’s living at his parent’s house and I’m sitting here trying to understand how porn could be the reason my once happy marriage has so quickly fallen apart. (We’ve only been two years!) We’re talking about divorce, but neither of us has filed the papers yet. He wants to work it out, yet he still hasn’t tried to be intimate with me. I’m not sure where we go from here, but I wanted to get this off my chest with hopes that if you’re a wife out there in a similar situation you can be aware that porn can be way more than ‘harmless’!” – The Thought It Was Right Wife
Have something you’d like to get off your chest? (It can be lighthearted, or heavy, there are no rules or judgment here!) If so, contact me to post your piece.
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I'm not suggesting men can't help it, but there's a new article in this week's NY Magazine about men and porn and how porn fills an immediate need for them that is backed up by neural and erectile responses. It IS like an addiction and as they try to relate to the real women in their lives they have a problem creating an emotional connection because they LITERALLY fall in love with the porn stars they see. The brain relates happiness and contentment with the porn and guilt and apathy to their wives and girlfriends. Very interesting…sad, but interesting none-the-less.
I totally understand how a woman can be blindsided by this especially when you are in a long distance relationship.
And I’m not gonna be an “I Told You So” kind of person but I have been in a long distance relationship and there is a huge urge to relocate and live together immediately and kind of skip that dating step of “trying things out.”
Because heck it feels like you been trying things out for the years past and it seems to work real well… Just the distance keeps you apart…
I guess if I was in that situation and was a few months ago I would look at the long distance as one relationship and the relocation as another relationship where you are “trying things out” as long as you can until you are both sure everyone is who they say and appeared to be over the long distance relationship…
As far as porn, I can’t speak on his motivations for choosing porn over you, could be a myriad of reasons, but I think if the couple can’t share watching porn together it makes the man go into that secret corner and do it on his own…
And the way the Internet is nowadays you could watch a porn, hop on twitter, tell the actress how awesome she is and hell she may even respond and send you a friend request… Happened to me…
So yes it can be dangerous, but if both parties watch it, then both the man and woman won’t feel threatened and can talk about sex and intimacy while watching… Which could improve the sex in the relationship…
And if watching it excites either one of you, even a 3D tv won’t make any one of those actors or actresses, (if I dare call them that) jump through your tv screen into your bedroom…
But I tell you looking over at the women next to you is a mighty fine option every time…
Just my thoughts…
My husband and I have had this discussion. He watches porn frequently, and I allow him to watch. It is something that I was aware that he did before we were married, and I don't expect that part to change just because we are married. I believe in picking your battles wisely – this is not something that I feel overshadows all of the great things about our relationship. Actually, it was helpful for me during my last pregnancy when I didn't feel like being intimate with him as often as we are accustomed to.
I just wish you guys would try to work on it before divorcing. Obviously, the man has some love for you. Counseling is pricey. There are books, and you two could be a great support system for each other. I hate to see this come between an otherwise happy marriage. Please give us an update on if you are going to work on it, since you haven't signed any divorce papers yet.
I was right there with her. Intimacy just ended between us, and I would find nothing but links to porn site, hidden porn downloaded (he put it in the music folder). I confronted him, he said he'd stop, but he didn't, he just used a private browser setting, though I still found it. Eventually, I gave in and made a compromise, we would watch it together, never apart. And we have and still do. Probably one of the better choices I've made in resolving a conflict. We are definitely more intimate (with or without porn) and it's made communicating our sexual needs much easier. Plus, after getting over the fact that you're actually watching it, it can become a turn on because you know just by watching it, you're in for a good night.
Having been in a very similar situation before, all I can say is that, in my opinion, a man isn't likely to drop his pleasure or habit simply because he's gotten married. An addiction is an addiction. There's no way he can stop cold turkey. However, he should be open to hearing you out and, most importantly, willing to compromise. I wonder if he's opposed to counseling (either alone or with you)?
Wow, love your honesty, great site and cool links
I strongly suspect that porn is not the sole problem here. Many men view porn and still have a healthy sex life, I’ve never heard of someone completely replacing real-life sex with porn. I suspect that this guy would not have been significantly more intimate even if porn was completely removed from the equation.
aww, well it's totally normal for men to watch porn i think, you should think it over first. but wait how's your relationship with him as of now?
My recent post Reclaim Hire Purchase Charges
I just dont buy that you need porn. When my then bf to me he wasnt sure he could live without it my heart literally hurt. As a single woman i used it often multipls times a day but assumed in a steady loving relationship it could stop. Esp since i wasnt getting as much sex as i wanted anyways. It hurt me deeply and still does to this day. I hope everything works ot for you. I dont think its unreasonable to stop.
My husband watches porn once in while. He gets bored at night, can't sleep and then goes right to the computer. Then I jokingly mention to him about what happened the night before that he didn't go to bed. He makes up some stupid excuse about falling asleep in front of the TV. Sometimes its true, other times its not. I considered purchasing a program that can tell you what sites have been viewed EVEN AFTER DELETED. But, I decided not to. What's the point? Just another I TOLD YOU SO AND point my finger at him. I considered that It was a waste of my time. I have heard about women giving in and watching porn with their husbands. I can't deny that I haven't done that in the past but why should I? I'm a Christian and I don't believe that looking at other naked pictures or videos of people is right or edifying. So what do I do now, I prayed and left it in God's hands. I became SO TIRED OF ARGUING about the same thing that I just couldn't do it anymore. We'll, praying worked. Not because he doesn't do it anymore but now he feels guilty about doing it and confesses to me. No one is perfect. Everyone has their faults. Marriage is truly a WORK IN PROGRESS. The Architect lays down the plans and we are constantly modifying the house.
Hi, I’ve read your article and I can empathize with you because I’m in the same situation now. I’ve been with my husband for almost 6 years and we have been married for over a year now and I found out he watches porn because he would always be on the computer and when I come in the room he closed the lap top real quick so one might I walked in the room real quiet like and caught him dead to right and it got worse as the years went on. We had sex quite a bit and I think that’s mainly because I always brought it up so I stopped to see if he would which he would only do maybe 3 times a month and now it had would be two weeks later and no sex and then three weeks and no sex until it has now reached over a month and he doesn’t even touch me but it I bring it up he makes and excuse so I stopped bringing it up. I’m tired and ready to give up on him. I did have babies back to back so no I don’t look the same but years ago I lost much weight and he still paid me no mind so it’s like what’s left? I don’t buy what all these women are saying like it shouldnt matter becuase it does!! When your single that’s fine because you are alone but when your married and all he seems to do is spend all his time masturbating as if you are not there, it’s a problem and I feel like let him have his fantasy and I’m about to move on because I deserve more than this. You can work and work on a marriage but if the other person isn’t willing than it makes no sense. Counseling would be good only for a person who can admit that they have a problem. And most men will not admit to that. I’ve tried counseling and it didn’t last long becuase he don’t think anything is wrong with him but now things are worse. I hope all works out with you.
I thought we had a good marriage but I was always the one initiating sex. Earlier this year I stumbled upon a lot of porn on his computer. But it all seemed to be from one weekend when my college-age daughter and I were out of town. I deleted it and then forgot about it, until a site popped up in "most visited," when he and I were looking up something together. I lost it, he lied and said it was just one time, but when I looked back at his history, twice a week he was having late night sessions with 'barely legal' and hot college lesbians. He knows to delete the history, but I'm pretty sure he still does when he has a chance. I'm 53 years old and knowing the man I love would rather whack off to the image of a girl my daughter's age makes me want to kill myself. I told my shrink that and he told me to leave my husband. I'm bipolar and haven't worked in more than two years, doing the disability waiting game, and the idea of getting a divorce is overwhelming. My husband doesn't have a clue as to how much he hurt me, and I don't think he cares. The whole thing just makes me want to vomit.
TOO ALL WOMEN!!!!!!
dAMN YOU ALL!!! You are so hurt and disgusted. yet you fail to understand. Ignorance is hurting your marriage not your husband. The images are very powerful, the skin, the lust, the passion the desire. YOU WOMEN ARE NOT GETTING IT. WATCH THE PORN, IF YOU CAN SEE WHAT HE IS WATCHING THEN LEARN AND FULLFILL THE DESIRE. i AM A MAN AND WHEN i WATCH PORN i AM ASHAMED! i WISH i COULD CHOP OFF MY PENIS AND FEED IT TO THE DOGS. i HAVE THE DEEPEST DESIRE TO BE THE NUMBER ONE HUSBAND. BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE URGE TO SPREAD MY SEMEN IS UNCONTROLLABLE. WHY CAN;T YOU WOMEN UNDERSTAND OUR URGE. YOU CAN SPEAK ABOUT HOW HURT YOU ARE, BUT HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE GO THROUGH. i SOMETIMES GET ANGRY AT GOD, WHY DID YOU EVER CREATE THE WOMAN. SHE IS LIKE A THORN IN MY SIDE. i SOMETIMES LOOK AT WOMEN WITH HATE. SO WEAK AND NEEDY. THATS ALL YOU WOMEN WANT. GIVE ME , GIVE ME GIVE ME, GIVE ME. WE WILL GIVE YOU EVERYTHING, PLEASE FULLFILL OUR DESIRES. UNDERSTAND WE ARE THE MOST SEXUAL CREATURES ON EARTH. DONT BE DISGUSTED BY US, WE ARE DISGUSTED AT OUR SELVES. DO WE REALLY NEED OUR PARTNERS TO POINT THERE FINGERS AT US. STOP WONDERING AND START DOING, WIVES BE OUR PORNSTARS! LOSE SOME DAMN WEIGHT FOR HEAVENS SAKE, DRESS SEXY, PLAY WITH US, ROMANCE US. BE THAT WOMAN THAT WILL SUBMIT TO OUR DEEPEST DESIRE. WE DON'T WANT TO BE CONSERVATIVE, WE WANT TO BE NAUGHTY AND MAKE YOU WOMEN SQUEAL! START TO LEARN WHAT YOUR HUSBANDS WANTS. TOO OFTEN YOU WOMEN WILL COMPLAIN, ABOUT HOW BAD YOUR MARRIAGE IS, STOP COMPLAINING AND BE THAT BAD GIRL WE DESIRE. THE ONE YOU HATE SO BAD ON THE INTERNET. IF YOUR MAD BECAUSE WE ARE ATTRACTED TO THAT GIRL, SORRY THAT ATTRACTION WILL NEVER CHANGE. i AM SORRY THAT GOD CREATED US THIS WAY! TO HATE US MEN IS TO HATE THE ONE WHO CREATED US. TO NOT UNDERSTAND US IS TO NOT UNDERSTAND THE VERY GOD THAT CREATED YOU. TO DENY US IS TO DENY YOUR MARRIAGE, EITHER WAY WE WILL SATISFY OUR NEEDS, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU, AND IT IS OFTEN WITHOUT YOU BECAUSE YOU FAIL TO SEE WHO AND WHAT WE ARE. DAMN YOU ALL.
It was I that posted the above message. I was angry at the time, please forgive me sisters, I love you all and I had no right to counter react and judge you. I was a fool acting in anger. Please understand where this ends, this ends in insight. I pray that at least someone may benefit from this anger and use to get a gimps of what the problem maybe, and explore the possibilities of the pursuit of happiness. You are all beautiful, deep down we are just big children thrown into a scary place, that is why we should stick together in marriage.
Well MR CAPS went off on a rant but there is truth there. Men may not know how they hurt their wives with pornography. But women don't know what drives men to this. Think of your husband as a cow that needs to be milked. Or a dog that needs to be petted. Or a child that needs to be fed, over and over. Doesn't matter that you fed him yesterday, doesn't matter that you are not hungry – he is hungry again. How dedicated are you to this man that you married? You can say he needs to control himself – but you are not a man, you have not experienced the need, the rejection, and you don't feel the temptation of pornography. I am off the stuff, primarily because my wife went the extra distance for me. Not as much as I wanted but a lot more than she did.
A handjob a day keeps porno away.
That CAPS rant did have some truth in it. I'm single, never married, currently dating, and do watch porn…but only to relieve pent-up sexual tension…myself. I have found that I can't ejaculate with real sex most of the time anymore (I'm almost 40), where porn helps me every time. I know there is something amiss there, but porn is so readily available. I'm an attractive guy who doesn't lack for dates, either, so I'm not some lonely, desperate guy living with his parents who can't get laid. JCPenney lingerie catalogs don't do it for me anymore like when I was 16. Porn is a scourge, but it serves a purpose. I don't think I could completely stop watching it, sorry.
That’s not true…I give my bf a blowjob e ery night before he goes to sleep and every morning before he leaves for work and he still watches porno!
I said to him, ‘Let’s just get a divorce because we haven’t had sex since before our child was born, so you obviously have someone else on the side.’
Interesting how divorce was the first word out of your mouth. You, madame, are immature. No wonder we have a 55% divorce rate in this country. I'm just sorry you now have a child that has to be a part of your illogical thinking. It's called couples therapy, try it.